For my next trick

by Alex Anders

A naked magician performs for an eager bachelor party, and even gets a few surprises of his own.

“All right, gentlemen, for my next trick, I will need a volunteer from the audience!” the magician said. “Perhaps the man of the hour?”

“No no, I couldn’t possibly!”

“Oh what’s the harm,” the magician said, as his mates egged him on. “I’m not that kind of magician. Despite my attire.” Or lack thereof, more like.

“Oh all right, I guess it is my last night as a free man.” The bachelor got up and approached the magician. How his mates convinced him to hire a naked magician, he’ll never know.

“Now, first order of business,” the magician said, “I’ll need you to strip off your clothes.”

“Dude!”

His mates cheered. “C’mon, we’re all gay here!” one of them shouted.

“Please, sir, I have a reputation to maintain,” the naked magician pleaded. “I’ve built my entire career around not having anything up my sleeve!”

“About not having a sleeve to put anything up, you mean!” one of the audience members hooted.

“Semantics,” the magician waved off. “Point is, I can’t do the trick if you’re clothed.”

The man of the hour rolled his eyes as his mates started chanting for him to strip. But he obliged them, and the crowd went wild.

When he was naked, the magician clapped his hands and exclaimed “Excellent!” then pulled a guillotine out of his box of tricks.

“Whoa, buddy,” the groom-to-be said. “I didn’t sign up for this.”

“Oh relax,” the magician said. “It’s perfectly safe. I guarantee you will be alive and whole by the end of it.”

“And if I’m not?”

“Then everyone here is a witness to murder and I go to jail,” the magician said soberly. “But I’ve done this trick countless times and have never lost a victim—I mean, volunteer—yet.”

The groom-to-be eyed the French execution device suspiciously, but shrugged and put his head on the chopping block. “This is the head you want, right?” he asked.

“Of course, I’m not a serial killer.”

The bachelor bent up from his crouch to glare at the magician.

“You know what I mean,” the magician said. “Now put your head down.”

“When will I know the trick—” The blade sliced through his neck. “—augh!”

“Augh!” the audience screamed with him.

“Ohmygod, oh my god, my head and my body are actually separated, I’m actually in two pieces, I’m… I’m… Still alive? And breathing? And speaking?”

“Told you it would work,” the magician smirked.

“Oh my god, this is so weird,” the decapitated bachelor said. His body stood up—a little awkwardly, given he had no head—and stumbled and groped around to the front of the guillotine. A few more awkward fumbles, and he had his head in his hands.

“Oh my god,” he said again, looking over his body, especially the smooth patch of skin where his head used to be. “I’m holding my head in my hands. My head and my body are two separate pieces, and I’m holding my head in my hands!”

“And enjoying it immensely, I see,” the magician said, grinning widely and pointing at the decapitated bachelor’s swelling cock.

“You have no idea,” the bachelor said. He looked at his own crotch and licked his lips. With a little more awkward fumbling, he turned his head to face it properly and straight up swallowed his cock whole.

The audience went wild as their friend went down on his own cock, sucking himself dry.

“This is the best trick ever,” the bachelor said, a load of cum dripping from his mouth.

“Ah, but we’re not done yet,” the magician said. “I did promise you’d be alive and whole by the end of it, didn’t I?”

“Oh do we have to?” the decapitated bachelor whined.

“Unfortunately, yes. I can’t keep you in two pieces indefinitely. But there is one question I need to ask you: Do you want me to put your head back where it came from, or where it belongs?”

The bachelor, and the audience, blinked in confusion. “What’s the difference?” the bachelor asked.

The magician just smiled, coy. “Pick one and find out.”

The bachelor did. “I want you to put my head back where it belongs.”

“I was hoping you would say that,” the magician said. He reached out to take the head from his victim—I mean, volunteer. “May I?” he asked.

“Certainly,” the decapitated man said, and handed his head over.

The naked magician pulled a dildo from his box of tricks. “First, I need to open the gates, so to speak,” he said, and pushed the dildo into the bottom of his volunteer’s head’s neck.

The head moaned, and his body shivered in anticipation. “Oh god, it feels like I have an ass in my neck!” he cried.

“That’s the idea,” the magician said. Next, he pulled some lube from his box of tricks and squirted it on his volunteer’s cock. “Now I need to prime the pump, so to speak.” He rubbed his volunteer’s cock vigorously, slicking it down and revving it up.

“And now, the grand finale!” the magician declared, and plugged his volunteer’s head onto his cock.

The bachelor gagged from the sudden intrusion of a cock up his throat, but then lost himself in the sudden bliss of his head finally being where it belonged. He tongued at his cock as it stuck fast to his throat and then diffused into his head, and then took his head in hand and felt a jolt of pleasure as his head became his dick.

He stroked himself: combed his fingers through his hair, traced over his chin, pulled at his ears, stuck his fingers in his mouth and sucked and soon, he was cumming for the second time that hour.

“Oh god, thank you! Thank you so much!” the crotch-headed bachelor cried. “How can I ever repay you?”

The naked magician just smiled and said, “Your fiancé was the one who arranged for me to come tonight. You can thank me by thanking him.”

“Oh, I will,” the bachelor cried again, now ten times happier with the knowledge that his fiancé wanted him this way. “I will!” The crotchhead returned to his seat, naked and eager for the rest of the show, enjoying his new vantage point immensely.

“Excellent!” the naked magician declared. “Who’s next?”

All hands shot up.

As his next victim—I mean, volunteer—approached and stripped, the magician put away the guillotine.

“Aw, you’re not gonna cut off my head?” the volunteer whined. The audience booed.

“I never perform the same trick twice in the same show,” the magician declared. “Besides, most people’s heads really do belong on their shoulders,” he looked over his next volunteer appraisingly, “it’s the rest of them that needs to change.”

And with that, the naked magician pulled out a fancy glass cabinet on wheels from his box of tricks. “Please step inside,” he instructed, and his volunteer did just that.

“What’s it do?” he asked as he slotted his body into the surprisingly tight and form fitting cabinet.

“You know that trick with the guy in the box?” the magician asked gamely, shutting the box tight.

“The vanishing chest?”

“No, the other one.” And then the naked magician gave the upper half of the box a sharp twist. Since the box was form fitting, it also twisted the victim—I mean, volunteer—inside.

“Augh!” the volunteer cried, and the audience echoed him, as his head and torso flipped around but his ass and crotch did not, twisting him ass-forwards.

“Ohmygod, oh my god,” the twisted man cried, “my body’s all twisted up and—” He twitched his leg. “Oh, thank god, I can still feel my legs.”

“That’s not the only thing you can feel,” the magician smirked as his volunteer’s cock swelled.

“Oh my god, yes, you have no idea how much I wanted this!”

“Oh, I always have some idea,” the magician said as he flipped the whole box around to face the audience. He then reached into his box of tricks and pulled out a bottle of massage oil. “I trust you want this?” The twisted man in the box nodded frantically. “Well, I’d love to do this next bit myself, but I believe your boyfriend is in the audience?”

A man from the audience sprang up and ran for the glass box, awkwardly stripping off his clothes as he went, then knelt down at his boyfriend’s ass and asked—no, demanded!—”What do I do?”

“You take this bottle of massage oil,” the naked magician instructed, “and rub it into his waist. That will relax his flesh so it holds its new shape, and you two can fuck happily ever after!”

The twisted man’s boyfriend practically snatched the bottle, then remembered his manners. He stood up, opened the upper half of the box and asked if this is what his boyfriend wanted.

“More than anything,” he replied.

The boyfriend grinned, gormless, and said, “Me too.” He poured some of the oil on his hands, then rubbed it into his boyfriend’s waist.

The twisted man moaned as his flesh relaxed into its new shape, and in the excitement, his already straining cock shot a hot load all over the interior of the box. “Sorry, man,” he said.

“No worries,” the magician waved off, “it’s glass. But now for the moment of truth.” He gestured for his volunteer’s boyfriend to move off and, when he had, closed the box back up. “Now, I could just build these so they could open both ways,” the magician said, “but then I wouldn’t be able to really show off!” He twisted the box—and the man inside—back around ass-backwards, then opened the door and helped his victim—I mean, volunteer—out. As he did so, the twisted man immediately twisted back around ass-forwards!

“Oh god,” he moaned, as he looked down at his ass and started massaging it, “I’m perfect!”

“You are,” his boyfriend replied, and walked up to him to give him a tight embrace and a steamy kiss. The twisted man responded in kind, and soon all semblance of decorum was abandoned as the one stuffed his cock into the other’s ass, never breaking the embrace or the kiss. A few short minutes later, both men were cumming hot loads to the cheers of the audience. The two lovers giggled and staggered back to their seat, naked and eager for the rest of the show, enjoying their new positions in life.

The naked magician wiped a tear from his eye. “This is why I do this,” he said, “to bring happiness and joy to people’s lives.”

“And hot hot fuckin’,” someone from the audience hooted.

“You sir,” the magician said, wearing a mock scowl, “have just volunteered!”

The audience laughed.

“All right,” the heckler said, “What do I do?”

“First, you take these,” the magician handed him a bottle of Windex and a rag, “and clean up the mess my last trick left.” The audience laughed.

“I got naked for this?” the heckler asked; the audience laughed again.

“Oh relax, there’s an actual trick,” the magician said, “I just don’t like to put my equipment away without a thorough buffing first.”

“I’ll bet you don’t,” the heckler smirked, the audience laughed again.

“Such a mouth on you,” the magician complained, a glint in his eye, “we’re going to have to fix that.”

The heckler rolled his eyes and gave the naked magician’s equipment a thorough buffing while the magician rummaged through his box of tricks. As his impromptu assistant finished his task, he pulled out a bicycle pump, of all things.

“This next trick is a Great Nudini exclusive,” the naked magician said, taking the now clean twisting cabinet from the heckler and putting it away. “And all its victims enjoy it immensely.”

“Don’t you mean volunteers?” his next victim asked.

“No. Now stick out your tongue.”

“Like thith?” the heckler said, and then felt a sharp pain as the magician drove the bicycle pump’s spike into its tip. “Augh!” he cried, and the audience echoed.

The magician started pumping, and with each pump, his victim cried out. First in agony, then in wonder, then in pleasure as his tongue swelled larger and rounder and stiffer and quite clearly became a rude, red erection that completely filled his mouth, the head poking from his lips.

“Much better, wouldn’t you agree?” the magician asked. The audience cheered their assent; the heckler just nodded dumbly, taking his new dick to hand. It wasn’t long before his body shuddered with orgasm, but nothing came out.

“Sorry about that,” the magician said, “forgot to add the balls.” He pulled on his victim’s new cock, pulling it all the way out, stretching the lips into a foreskin and collapsing the jaw and chin completely. He stuck the bicycle pump in at the base, causing the silenced heckler to jolt in surprise, and started inflating again. Soon, a plump, round ballsack with two plump, round balls was hanging from the man’s face just beneath his cock.

The heckler whimpered and gurgled as he took his already resurging manhood to hand again, and came properly this time.

“Better?” the magician asked.

His face-cocked victim nodded.

“Now as fun as that was,” the magician said, fiddling with the pump, “I can’t let you go around without a mouth, so let me just—” he made to deflate the heckler’s face cock, but the heckler grabbed his arm and, with a glare, brought the pump lower.

“Ah, yes, how silly of me,” the naked magician said, chagrined, “I should have known!” He inserted the pump’s spike into the heckler’s original balls, and started working the pump, now set to deflate. When the balls were gone, he pushed the cock into his victim’s—yes, by this point, volunteer’s—crotch, bunching the foreskin up into a new set of plump lips and jutting the taint out into a new chin and jaw. A few more pumps, and the crotch cock was now a crotch mouth.

The heckler tried to speak, but no words came out.

“Something’s missing,” the magician wondered aloud, tapping his chin uncertainly. He snapped his fingers. “Ah, yes! Got your nose!”

The childish taunt became suddenly real as the magician really did pull the heckler’s nose clean off his face. The heckler panicked as his airway was cut off, then sucked down a deep, musky breath as the magician placed his nose where it belonged—over the new mouth in his crotch.

“Oh-h-h-h” the face-cock crotch-mouth half sighed in relief, half moaned in pleasure. “That hits the spot! You, sir, are doing god’s work!”

“Debatable,” the magician said, “now give this a thorough buffing.” He shoved the bicycle pump in his volunteer’s chest.

The crotch-mouthed heckler smirked. “Anything else you want me to buff?”

The naked magician smirked right back. “Meet me after the show and find out.”

“Ooooooh,” the audience taunted.

“This next trick will require two victims,” the magician declared. “I mean, volunteers.”

A pair of boyfriends perked up and fairly sprinted up to the magician. As they stripped, he pulled out a bare wooden table with an ominous slit down the middle and an enormous two-handled saw.

“Doesn’t the saw-the-man-in-half trick only need one man?” one of the volunteers asked.

“At least if you’re doing it for real?” the other added.

“Not if you’re doing it my way,” the magician said coyly. “Now get on the table.”

The volunteers did so, side by side. The magician gave them each a handle of the saw and instructed them to begin. “I will guide you and make sure you don’t cut anything important, but you’ve got to do all the hard work.”

The two men, thus encouraged, laid the saw across their abs and started pulling back and forth. There was no pain, only erotic pleasure as the saw bit into their flesh and split them both in twain. When they started eating into the wood, they were so distracted that they cut it completely in half before they could stop.

Not that the magician tried to. He simply grinned while he pulled the two halves apart. “And now we come to the reason I do this trick with two people,” the naked magician announced. “Do you two want me to put your bodies back together the way they were, or the way they should be?”

“Should, should!” the two halved men cried, already turning their smoothly cut torsos toward each other without any prompting.

“Getting ahead of ourselves, I see.”

“You already did that trick!” the heckler hooted.

“Don’t make me bring out the pump again, I just had it buffed.”

“Yeah ya did!”

The magician just rolled his eyes as he pulled a tube of putty from his box of tricks. “Easy fellas,” he commanded. “You can’t just mash ’em together and hope they stick. You gotta put this on first.” He smeared the putty onto the body stumps, then let them resume.

This time, they felt an orgasmic release as their body rewired to accommodate the fact that it now had two head ends and no ass ends. Their abs merged and their guts rearranged and their heads became each other’s cocks, complete with ejaculation ability, which quickly came apparent.

“Oh god, that was amazing,” one end said.

“You can say that again,” the other end said.

“Oh god, that was amazing,” the one end repeated.

They both giggled, then propped themselves up on their elbows.

“What are we gonna do about our ass ends?” the one end asked.

“I dunno,” the other end replied. “I’ve never really thought about that. Usually, I just imagine they get absorbed into the other guys’ head ends.”

“Same, honestly.”

“Never fear,” the magician announced, “I’ve done this trick before, and the ass ends always make a lovely mount.” He smeared some of the putty onto the ass ends’ stumps, and then gently brought them together. The head ends both moaned in a sudden jolt of pleasure that died away as the ass ends merged into their own being.

The ass ends themselves woke up into a life of glorious pleasure and started humping the table until they came. The naked magician gently pulled them off before they could get splinters in their dicks, then told the double head how to take care of their new pet double ass.

“And you,” he pointed at the crotch-mouthed heckler, “have more buffing to do!”

“You there,” the magician said. “I’d say it’s your turn, wouldn’t you?”

The latest victim—I mean, volunteer—turned to look at the two remaining untransformed members of the party, the man ass-forwards’ boyfriend and the best man, who both gave him the go-ahead.

As he walked up and stripped down, the magician pulled out a rack from his box of tricks.

“One of those medieval stretchy things?” the latest volunteer asked. “Are you going to make me taller? Or pull me into pieces?”

“Only one way to find out,” the magician said, coy.

The volunteer lay down in the rack and the magician strapped him in, tying him down at the wrists, shoulders, hips and ankles.

“You might feel a gentle tugging,” the magician said, and then yanked the stretching wheels in a blinding blur.

“Augh!” the man on the table cried as all four limbs pulled out of their sockets simultaneously.

“Augh!” the audience cried as all four limbs tore clean off, this time exposing a ball and socket rather than simple smooth skin.

“Ohmygod, oh my god,” the limbless man cried.

“A common leitmotif,” the magician noted.

“That was exhilarating,” his victim—I mean, volunteer—exclaimed. “Please, sir, put my limbs where they should be.”

“This is why I don’t do the same trick twice,” the magician groused as he gathered up the arms and legs. “The audience always gets wise by the end of it.” He put the arms by the hips and the legs by the shoulders, then dug out a jar of jelly from his box of tricks. “Joint lubricant,” he explained, “the putty will just gum up the works, so to speak.”

He started with the right arm, rubbing the jelly onto the exposed socket, then plugging it into the right hip. He worked the limb until the buttock accepted the forearm and the two flowed seamlessly together. Then he did the same with the other arm, and then the legs, working them until the shoulder accepted the thigh.

“How’s that?” the naked magician asked, helping the upside-down man to his feet.

“It’s great!” he replied. “Although it’s a bit difficult to keep my head up.”

“Ah, one moment,” the magician bent down and pulled on his volunteer’s head. His neck popped with a resounding crack, and now his head naturally rested craned up over his back.

“Much better!” the upside-down man declared, then returned to his seat, naked and eager to see the last act, enjoying his new perspective immensely.

“Like most of my fellow artists,” the naked magician declared, “I have saved the best for last. Specifically, the best man. Do come down, would you?”

The audience egged him on, and the best man sighed and rolled his eyes in mock reluctance. Mock, because, as the best man, he had coordinated this show with his husband and his brother’s fiancé and knew exactly what was coming.

He sauntered up to the magician and, at his mates’ insistence, started stripping off his clothes. Slowly, so as to aggravate them.

When he was finally naked, the magician took off his top hat.

“Aw,” the best man said. “I thought we told you to leave your hat on.”

“You did,” the naked magician sagely replied, “but this next trick requires you to wear the hat.” And he handed it over.

His last victim—I mean, volunteer; god, why is it so hard to get that right!—took the hat and put it on his head. It fell down over his ears and covered his head, then fell off completely, taking his head with it!

“Augh!” the audience screamed.

The best man’s body, apparently frantic, fumbled around for the hat and picked it up, then dug his right arm into the void all the way up to the shoulder. When he pulled the hat away, it took the arm with it!

“Augh!” the audience screamed again.

The body, now acting even more frantic, set the hat on the ground brim side up, then dug his left arm into the void, all the way to the shoulder. He didn’t pull out though, and dug himself deeper, all the way to the waist. When he pulled away, the hat took his entire torso with it!

“Augh!” the audience screamed again.

The body, flailing about even more, now dug his left leg into the void, all the way to the ass cheek. When he pulled off, the hat took the leg with it!

“Augh!” the audience screamed again.

In one last, desperate-seeming move, the best man’s last leg jumped into the hat all the way to the ass, leaving just his cock and balls resting on the brim. The hat trembled and quivered for a few moments, then tipped over, revealing nothing but a blank black void within! All that was left of the best man was his cock and balls!

“Augh!” the audience screamed yet again.

“Oh, relax, would you?” the naked magician said, and picked up the best man. “You still in there buddy?”

The cock bobbed up and down as if to nod.

“You in any pain?”

The cock bobbed side to side as if to shake his head.

“You having fun there?”

The cock nodded again and leaked a bead of pre for good measure.

“See, he’s fine,” the magician declared. The audience was unconvinced. The magician rolled his eyes and dug into his box of tricks, taking out a sounding rod. He inserted it gingerly into the disembodied cock’s slit, swirled it gently, and then gingerly pulled it out.

A little tongue poked out of the slit and licked its lips. “Man, that was exhilarating,” the best cock said. “I almost wish I could do it again!”

“Almost?” the magician asked.

“There’s no way in hell that I’m going back to a full body,” the cock said. “And you can’t make me!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it!” the magician said. “But I need to do a couple of things first.”

“Please do!”

The naked magician took the sounding rod and pressed it to the base of the disembodied cock, who moaned as his new asshole was carved into him. The magician then took the end of the sounding rod into his mouth and gently blew down it, inflating a new body cavity in the cock’s ballsack. He pulled the sounding rod out and set it aside, then gently kneaded the balls in his hands, massaging new organs into existence.

Then he pulled out a bottle of lube from his box of tricks and started rubbing it into the stiff cock, which grew a few inches and started flexing properly as cock flesh was transformed into actual muscle. When the magician let go, the best cock bent over and started poking at his own balls with his cock face.

“There, that should keep you alive,” the magician declared. “But there’s only one way to find out.” He set the best cock down on a little table, then picked up his hat. “You ready?” he asked.

“Do it!” The cock demanded.

The naked magician everted his hat, and suddenly the room was permeated with a musky, flesh-colored haze.

The best cock gave a little cry, then settled into a gentle moan as he soaked his chin with pre. “Oh yeah, that hit the spot.” He giggled. “Bye-bye body.”

“How’s it feel to be nothing but a cock?” the magician asked.

“Amazing! Wonderful! Blissful! Heavenly! Divine!” the disembodied cock cried, swelling up with each word. “Orgasmic!” he finally declared, and shot a load, arcing out into the audience. “My husband is going to love this,” he panted. “I’m so glad we found you.”

The naked magician grinned. “I live to serve.”

“Is this why you needed us naked?” the crotch-mouthed heckler said, after the show. He was leaned up against the door to the dressing room, and fully dressed. Except his pants were open at the crotch and his boxers now fit over his face.

The naked magician, still naked, grinned widely. “All right, so I do have a few tricks up my sleeve,” he admitted. “You’ll find all the rest of your clothes also altered to fit the new you. Especially tomorrow’s tux; your friend’s fiancé insisted.”

“Did you give him a show too?” The heckler asked, straightening up and approaching the magician.

“You’ll have to wait till the wedding to find out, just like the rest of the party.”

“Of course.” The crotch mouth paused in front of the magician. “So, the Great Nudini, huh?”

“It’s a miracle that it wasn’t already taken,” the naked magician said. “But I guess it was too cheesy, even for other naked magicians. You can call me Harry.”

“As in—?”

“Yes, as in Harry Houdini,” the magician said, rolling his eyes.

The crotch-mouth smiled. “It suits you. I’m Landon.” He stuck out his hand to shake.

Harry took it. “Pleasure to make your acquaintance. Sorry we had such a rough start.”

“Eh, I was asking for it,” Landon said with a shrug. “And do you see me complaining?”

Harry licked his lips, and dragged his eyes over Landon’s body. Oh sure, the work he did was hot, but the canvas he had to work with was plenty fine all on its own. Even under those clothes, Harry could appreciate how tight and well worked Landon kept his body.

Landon, of course, had no such things in the way of his view. “Is it hot in here?” he asked, pulling at his collar. “Or is it just me?”

“Yes,” Harry answered. “Yes to both. Anything I can help with?”

“And here I thought I was going to be doing all the buffing,” Landon smirked, but let the magician take off his clothes, slowly and with reverence.

“I know I perform in the nude,” Harry explained, “but there’s just something magical about a body hidden beneath clothing. What is he hiding? Does he really look like that? Is that bulge real, or is he stuffing his crotch?

“It’s why I start my shows with a strip tease,” he continued. “I love to guess what other people are hiding, but it also drives me insane with wonder. So I try to give that to my audience. Hiding myself away, and then revealing all.” He said this last as he pulled the boxers off Landon’s face, revealing the face cock beneath.

“How do you do your tricks?” Landon asked.

“Magic, of course,” the magician said. “That’s why I can afford to reveal all. The only thing up my sleeve is sheer, reality-bending force of will.” He kissed the face cock in front of him, and Landon kissed the crotch cock in front of him in turn.

“Mm, tasty,” Landon moaned.

“I try,” Harry said, and started properly blowing the cock in front of him.

Landon, a strong man, hoisted Harry up into his arms and wrapped the magician’s legs around his waist, then started blowing Harry properly as he carried him over to the couch. They writhed and moaned and sucked and blew and swallowed each other’s loads.

“Is this trick a favorite of yours?” Landon asked, panting and licking his lips of stray cum.

“Oh yes,” Harry replied, doing much the same. “I do it to all my hecklers. You’re just the first to take it to its logical conclusion. Like I said, not everyone’s mouth belongs in their crotch.”

“I thought you said head?”

“Semantics,” Harry waved off. “The same logic applies. There are people out there who would love nothing more than to morph their bodies into something new, but the vast majority of folks are happy just the way they are. At most, they’ll ‘try anything once’ and go back to their boring humdrum bodies.”

“Like you?” Landon asked, genuinely curious.

Harry smiled. “I can’t very well give the game away by going around, say, three-legged and double-cocked, now can I?”

“For example,” Landon added.

“Hypothetically,” Harry continued

“Just as a guess.”

Harry grinned, and Landon blinked, and Harry had three legs and two cocks.

“You really do save the best for last,” Landon observed. “And it’s all for me.”

The next morning, Harry and Landon woke up in each other’s arms.

“When’s the wedding?” Harry asked.

“Not for a few hours,” Landon answered. “But I’m a groomsman, so it’s fewer hours than it should be.”

“You should go,” Harry said. “I don’t want to keep you.”

Landon sat up and looked at his fuckmate. “You should come,” he said.

“What?”

“I know you wanna see your handiwork in action,” Landon added. “And I have a plus one.”

“How?”

“I told them I was gonna bring a date, but I don’t actually have one. I’ve been cruising Grindr and Craigslist, but haven’t had any luck.”

“You are a sad, sad man,” Harry said, a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye. “I guess I’ll take pity on you.” The naked magician got up. “Lemme just—”

Landon grabbed his hand. “Don’t put it away,” he pleaded. “It’s part of who you are. You should be proud of it. And you know we won’t mind.”

Harry smiled softly, tears in his eyes, at the sudden earnestness. “All right, fine, I guess I’ll go around with my third leg in the wind,” he joked, and started digging in his closet for some pants. “Thank you,” he added.

The wedding!

The groomsmen came down in pairs, all in impeccably tailored tuxedos, as promised by the Great Nudini.

First Ashton and Craig, the man ass-forwards and his boyfriend, still ass-backwards and otherwise normal. Then a pair from the other groom’s party: Clives, cut in half vertically by a ravening table saw, and Keith, still in one piece and walking between the two halves of his boyfriend. Then Landon, the face-cock crotch-mouth, walking with Lars, the heckler from the other party, who had opted to be returned to normal.

Next came StuBert, the double head, riding on their pet double ass, which they named ArtRand. Then the Daves, from the other party, twisted together by the twisting cabinet into a four-legged, four-armed, two-headed behemoth. Then there was Carl, the upside-down man, walking with Joe, his boyfriend from the other party, whose head had been driven into his chest and his face spread over his torso.

Then came the best men, or rather the best cocks: Dick and Mick. They were dressed in adorable and surprisingly tasteful little tuxedos with adorable little bow ties tied just beneath their heads and adorable little top hats set jauntily upon them. They were sat on little wheeled platforms and pulled themselves along with surprising speed down the aisle, and the next-best men picked them up and placed them on two little tables either side of the altar.

And last came the grooms, Alec and Bob, a bit of an anticlimax to be honest: “just” a couple of crotchheads, grinning gormlessly as they walked arm in arm, giving each other away to each other. They said their vows, but on their rings, and kissed. Harry almost cried.

“Jeez,” Lars said at the reception, “how did I end up with all you deviants.”

“Oh, shut it Lars!” Landon said, shoving him. “It’s not my fault you got stuck in the heckler’s chair.”

“I still can’t believe you opted to go through with it,” Lars said. “And don’t get me started on Alec and Bob, or Dick and Mick!”

“You’re just jealous,” Mick said. “Face it, every man wishes they were just their dick at least some of the time.”

“During a particularly good wank, maybe,” Lars conceded. “But not all the time! How do you even see?”

“I don’t,” Mick said. “But I have very good hearing and tremorsense, and even electroreception. Sure, vision’s nice, but eyes would just get in the way.”

“Hey Mickey!” Dick called from the floor. He was riding around on a two-seater version of the little wheeled platform. “Look what Harry got us!”

Mick bent precariously over the edge to get a better reading, then said, “Sweet! Bombs away!” He jumped down and landed expertly on the two-seater platform next to his husband. They wrapped around each other in a hug, kissed, then rode off into the sunset, just a couple of cocks living their best cock lives.

“This is ridiculous,” Lars said. Which is fair, but also rude!

“Shove off,” Landon said, and suited the action to the word. “It’s sweet.”

Lars rolled his eyes. “You’re just sayin’ that ‘cause you got laid.”

“Maybe,” Landon conceded, a soft smile in his eyes and on his lips. “But at least I am getting laid. Where’s your date?”

“He had a work thing,” Lars said, clearly lying.

“So this is why you’re a sad, sad man,” Harry said, coming up behind Landon and embracing him lovingly, his chin resting easily atop his head. “Well, I, for one, am very ready to say that you are my favorite heckler. Did Mick like the gift too?”

“Oh yes, they just rode off into the sunset together,” Landon said.

Lars scoffed. “You know, he only likes you because you played along with his sick fantasy.”

Harry and Landon both glared at Lars.

“‘Playing along’ is part of what makes a relationship,” Harry said. “Look at Alec and Bob, they’re both into crotchheads and want to be crotchheads, and now they’re married, and both crotchheads, and having the time of their lives. Or Dick and Mick: Both are into cock TF, but neither wants to be reduced to some other guy’s piece of meat, even if that other guy is the love of their life. Now they are their own cocks, and each other’s.

“StuBert and Daves were two halves of a whole in a more literal sense than most, and now they are whole. Ashton and Clives, their fantasies depend on their partner being ‘normal’, whatever that means, while Craig and Keith need their partners to be ‘weird’, and now they are, in just the way they like. And Carl and Joe? Well, they’re more like me: They don’t care what their partner looks like, as long as he accepts them for who they are. And now they have each other.”

“And I have you,” Landon added, “And you have me, if you want.”

Harry went a little misty eyed, kissed his boyfriend’s forehead and said, “Of course I want you.”

Lars gagged at the sudden intimacy.

“Man, Mick was right,” Landon snarked, “you are jealous.”

Harry looked over Lars appraisingly. “Tell you what, if you promise not to heckle, I’ll give you a private show. And yes Landon, you can be my assistant, and heckle all you want.”

Landon grinned. “See, he gets me!”

Lars just flushed.

Lars was alone in the audience. The Great Nudini, now with three legs and two cocks, and his new face-cock crotch-mouth assistant had just finished a surprisingly wholesome striptease and standing double oral session and were now standing either side of him, smirking knowingly.

“What do you say, boss?” the assistant said. “Do we saw him in half?”

“No…” the naked magician said, eying over his newest victim—I mean, oh forget it!

“How about the rack?”

“No…”

The assistant started guessing in rapid succession. “The guillotine? The twisting cabinet? The vanishing chest?”

“The pile driver,” the magician decreed.

“Ooh, good choice.”

Their lone audience member gulped.

“You get him ready, and I’ll set the device?” the magician requested.

“Of course!” The assistant started unbuttoning their victim’s shirt. “Remember Lars,” Landon said, “you can back out at any time. And if you don’t like the result, you can always ask to reverse it.”

Lars gulped. “Nah, I’m good.” The volunteer batted away the assistant’s hands and finished stripping. “Let’s do this.”

“Excellent!” the magician declared. “Please stand here.” He indicated a spot underneath a piece of machinery holding a very large, very long, very heavy iron column. How that thing fit in the box of tricks, only the Great Nudini knows.

The volunteer stood at the spot.

“You might feel a slight pressure,” the magician warned, then flipped the switch to release the pile driver.

The volunteer didn’t even flinch as his head was driven into his chest, his face awkwardly wedged between his pecs.

“Impressive,” the magician noted. “How do you feel?”

“Again!” his victim demanded.

“All right, if you say so.” The magician reset the machine and released it again.

The volunteer didn’t even flinch as his abs collapsed. “Again!” he demanded.

“So bossy!” The magician said, but reset and released the pile driver as requested.

The volunteer didn’t even flinch as his crotch was driven into his chest, his cock awkwardly shoved into his mouth.

Nor did he flinch as his thighs, and then his calves, were driven into his ass, leaving his feet dangling from his hips.

Nor did he flinch as his arms were driven into his chest, leaving his hands dangling from his shoulders.

“I think that’s enough,” The volunteer finally said. “Could you make sure everything works?”

“When have I not?” the magician scoffed, mock offended. He retrieved a bottle of massage oil from his box of tricks and set about massaging his newest victim’s diminished form into the right shape: His cock and tongue were merged into one entity, his balls were set dangling from his chin, his ankle-hips and wrist-shoulders were properly set, his ears and eyes and nose were nudged into place around his face-crotch, and his ass was penetrated to arrange his internal organs properly.

The magician set his victim down and asked, “How’s that?”

Little Lars started scurrying around on his little feet and doing cartwheels on his little hands. “It’s perfect!” he cried with a gormless grin. “I’m a perfect little plaything!” His cock pushed rudely out of his mouth. “Uthe me! Pleathe?” he begged. “I need to be fucked!”

Harry laughed and picked up little Lars. “Well, since you asked so nicely. Landon, honey, could you give me a hand?”

“With pleasure, sweetie.”

Little Lars spent the rest of his days being passed around his friend group, the perfect little plaything to spice up their sex lives.

The Great Nudini now performed with all three of his legs and both of his cocks on full display, and actually had more and larger audiences than when he kept to his two-legged body plan. Although that might have had more to do with his new face-cocked, crotch-mouthed, sharp-tongued naked assistant, Lani Bare-All.

Alec and Bob appointed themselves managers of the Great Nudini brand, and roped most of their friends into auxiliary roles. StuBert and Daves in particular made excellent security, while Carl and Joe helped with stagecraft.

Off the stage, Harry and Landon dated for two years before they decided to tie the knot. Almost everyone in attendance had attended one of their shows, including the officiant. Little Lars played the role of flower boy, and Alec and Bob were the best men.

Speaking of marriage, Dick and Mick renewed their vows and had their wedding bands turned into carefully-sized cock rings for the occasion. For the second honeymoon, they bought a lovely little bit of lake shore and built themselves a cock-adapted villa. They post extensively under the hashtag #cocklife, just a couple of cocks living their best cock lives.

Ashton and Craig and Clives and Keith, being mostly normal, went on with their mostly normal lives. But all parties lived, and fucked, happily ever after.

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