The giant in the satellite picture

by Woynich   

A group chat devoted to ferreting out weird things on an internet-accessible satellite map of the world finds a 300-foot statue of a naked muscle man mysteriously appearing out in the woods of Missouri. Two members decide to trek to the location, and find something else when they get there.

The Earth is a lot bigger than any of us humans can really hold in our heads. You look at it on maps, or you look at the Earth in pictures from space, and you get the impression that the Earth is just a lumpy blue ball floating in a void. But when you actually try to walk somewhere far away, or you have to fly on a plane and you get a window seat, it suddenly becomes so much clearer how absolutely massive even just the things we humans have built are. Then that puts the things nature has built, or formed, into perspective.

I lived in a city where most things are in walking distance, and I could ride the bus or train to places that weren’t. The world for me felt like a bunch of sectioned off series of plazas and courtyards with rooms attached to them, connected by roads whose travel times were random and arbitrary, or dictated by a timetable.

I flew on a plane out into the country and saw for the first time all of those plazas and roads at once. It finally became clear to me where all of these stores and schools and places were in relationship to each other in a way that looking at satellite map photography did not. And it kept going. Further beyond I had ever travelled, the carpet of buildings and the web of streets stretched out under a layer of unfathomably-huge popcorn-white clouds that wrapped into a layer under the plane. A wispy white blanket that seemed to block how much of the grid of cities I could see, and that seemed to stretched on to infinity.

When my plane passed over the middle of the country, the cities turned to fields and farmland, stuff that I knew to be wilderness, but up here, it was neatly trimmed and tamed. The crop fields, the parks, the woods, they were all sectioned off into rectangles and trapezoids. From a city on one coast all the way to one 8 states over, the land was completely covered with a planned quilt of civilization. Houses, shopping malls, hospitals, power plants, pools, the estates kept hidden away in the middle of secluded groves. The lives of millions were laid bare to me as if I were looking at the most elaborate model train display ever. I was looking out at more than I would ever be able to explore, and there were even more places out there, just within the country, places that planes would not fly.

A week after my flight, a group of people on the internet were using a popular online map program to look at satellite images of the Earth, and in a part of the Utah Desert, they found a metal monolith no-one had discovered for years placed by some unnamed artist. Biologists and Archeologists were using the same program to find places in still unexplored forests. They would discover new animal species or structures built by humans left undocumented for millenniums. Even though we’ve taken pictures of the entire earth, the pictures are so big, and they stretch on for so long, that no-one has seen everything in them. Even the curators of the satellite data haven’t been able to take a look at it all to make sure they censored out all the stuff that’s not appropriate to put on a public site accessible by children. You can find all manner of lewd things on these maps, and many of them get blurred out after they make the rounds on social media, but there are some groups dedicated to finding this stuff and keeping it secret. I joined up with one of these groups and I found something that got a lot of folks in there very excited.

Out in Missouri, south of the Mark Twain National Forest, There’s about 70 square miles of unspoiled woodland punctuated by highways and the occasional tiny town. In one of these forests, I found a clearing, very secluded, far from the towns, about 5 miles from the nearest county road. In that clearing, someone it seemed had built an enormous statue of a naked male bodybuilder masturbating. And when I say enormous, I’m talking 300 feet long. This guy would be triple as tall as Lady Liberty if he was built upright. This wasn’t just a Mount-Rushmore-situation either where it was just the guy’s head or hands, the whole body was sculpted, pretty realistically too. It looked like the structure was even painted. How something like that was built out in the middle of the Ozarks with no-one finding it was an immediate mystery to the group, and one of us who lived in Missouri who went by the username Beanstalker said he’d head out to find it. Three days later, he turned up in the group with pictures of the clearing, and the compressed earth and swept leaves that proved that something gigantic had been there, but the football-field sized onanist was gone. People chalked it up to being a temporary structure, some artist pulling another prank on the web program. Many folks lost interest after that and moved onto the next oddity on the map, but some of us, mostly the gay guys lets be honest, stuck around to try and satisfy other curiosities we had: who had built this thing? how? why? why did they take it down?

We started calling this statue Paul, after Paul Bunyan. The image of Paul that we got from the satellite image wasn’t that good, as 5 feet in the program is basically a pixel. Someone in the group went behind the scenes of the program’s data analytics to find a higher-resolution image though, and then Beanstalker and I used his photos and a 3d modeling program to reconstruct what Paul would have looked like in a 3d model of the clearing. Well, I say “Beanstalker and I,” but truth be told, it was mostly him. He is one smart cookie. In his model, you could make out the features of the top of Paul’s head, but his face was left with an incomplete texture, aside from a bit of the tip of his nose, his brow, and cheeks. Then the sleuths of the server dug even further into the shadows Paul’s face cast on his chest and shoulders, as well as where his shadow fell on the ground. They placed an artificial sun in the model to match the time of day the picture was taken and sculpted Paul’s face until the shadows matched up perfectly, mirrored to be symmetrical. We now had a realistic copy of the face of the model that the artist had used for Paul.

We used that face to track down the guy who we believed to be Paul’s model, and he lived pretty close to where the clearing was, in a little town called Flathill. We didn’t have his name, but he had appeared in some the photos on the website of Flathill’s Youth Church group as a volunteer. We figured someone in Flathill could probably give us the answers to some of our questions, and Beanstalker was all set up to head down there. He reported back that no-one in town seemed to know anything about a big statue or art installation. He didn’t even run into the model, so it seemed like our lead had dried up.

Then there was an update. The map program we were using updated its satellite imagery, and we expected in the new one that Paul would be gone. Except he wasn’t. In fact, a new Paul had been built in his place. This time the statue was positioned on his side. We could see more of his face now and it confirmed even further that the guy we identified in the church photos was our model. This got a lot of folks in the chat suddenly interested again in Paul, and I booked a flight to get out to Missouri and see this statue before it could be taken down. I was gonna meet up and see Beanstalker for the first time in the flesh.

Beanstalker and I chatted in private messages a bit before I headed his way. We were talking about both of our fascination with the hotness of a giant guy stature like this, and from there we got to talking about giants in cartoons and movies we saw growing up. We talked about how hot we both found the fantasy of it all. Beanstalker told me about this cartoon I hadn’t seen before. It was about this boy who got his wishes granted and one day he wished to be the biggest, strongest guy on a beach. The way the wish worked, every time a bigger guy showed up at the beach he grew bigger and stronger until a whale washed up on the beach and he turned into a king-kong sized hulk of a human who could only speak in one-syllable words like a caveman. Apparently that was a strong and vibrant hot memory for Beanstalker.

I told him about my own memories with growth. I had personally gotten into them first from a cartoon I saw as a toddler where a cat started eating things until his tummy blew up like a balloon. Then he kept eating more and more until he eventually blew up to the size of a planet. From that interest, I had discovered inflation imagery when I was old enough to manage search settings unsupervised, and I moved from inflation stuff to general growth. Beanstalker told me that he wasn’t into inflation as he found it objectifying.

I found that to be a bit strange. I asked him why he took issue with objectifying characters in fantasy when he liked a character being dumbed down as they get bigger. Isn’t that objectifying in a way? That wasn’t really something that I was into. He said that there’s a difference, but that it might be something personal to him. That the way he sees it, muscle growth means that the guy gets more mobile, has more abilities whereas when he gets fatter, it makes him feel uncomfortable. I pointed out that we were into physiques where the muscularity also makes the guys become a bit immobile. I also spoke a bit about how, as someone who often didn’t get enough to eat as a kid and was still pretty skinny, the idea of someone being able to have a full gut looked more pleasant than uncomfortable. He said that it might be a personal preference again then, and his interest in a guy dumbing down as he grows might be a similar situation for him as inflation is for me.

When I met Beanstalker in real life, some of his perspective immediately made more sense. I don’t want to be mean to him, I like the way he looks. The first thing that I noticed when I saw him was that he is a heavier-set guy. Well, more than that: he’s definitely obese. Beanstalker in real life is a fat man. He’s also an intelligent man, who excelled in schooling growing up and graduated early. He made investments that let him move out of his house early when he graduated and now he didn’t really need to worry about money. Those investments kept him visibly well-fed. I already knew he was smart given how he took the lead in the investigation and was able to solve all sorts of things, but meeting him kind of blew me back and sold me further on the idea that maybe we find it easy to imagine that the things that we don’t have will make us feel happy. Those things we haven’t got we can imagine easily as being hot. I’m skinny and not as booksmart as him, so I find fatness hot and dumbness not so much. He’s fat and smart, so he finds dumbness attractive and fatness or inflation less so. Neither of us were buff or swole though, so we both found that hot. He told me his real name, and I told him mine, but for your purposes, you don’t need to know them. I’m gonna keep calling him Beanstalker.

We drove up to the clearing outside of Flathill where Paul would be, only to once again find it empty. So it was clear to us that whoever was setting up Paul had to be doing it for the satellite. We stuck around for a while trying to come up with what to do next and decided to ask the park rangers about the statue. Beanstalker had already asked them the last time he was here but maybe they had some new information since a new statue had been put on the site.

We drove up to the nearest lodge and there was a woman and an old man tending to some equipment outside. We walked out and waved at them, asked if we could ask them some questions and they said to go by the lodge and try talking to someone in there. Apparently they were busy. So we walked back to the lodge, stepped through the doors and I got a look at the guy at the desk. He asked if he could help us, but I was doing a bit of a double take. I looked at him, then to Beanstalker, then back to him, shocked silent. The man at the desk was unmistakably the model for Paul. This young man’s face was a perfect likeness of the sculpt Beanstalker had extracted from the photos. His physique was nowhere near the bodybuilder’s build for the statue, but there was no doubt this was the guy we were looking for. I gasped to find words that never came. Beanstalker pushed me aside and walked over to speak with him.

“Yes, I think you can definitely help us,” Beanstalker said to the man. He asked the man if he was familiar with the popular online map program we had used. The man distractedly said he didn’t really use computers that much but yes, he was. “Well,” Beanstalker said, “my friend and I are in a group chat that found in that program something that looks to be a giant statue of you out in the—”

“You—what!?” The color drained from the man’s face and he stared at Beanstalker intensely.

“I can pull it up if you want,” Beanstalker started taking his phone out of his pocket. “Fair warning though, it is a nude statue.”

“He probably already knows that,” I mumbled. “He would have to have known the sculptor—”

“No!” The man waved his hands frantically. “There is no sculptor, there is no Statue! There is—Wait…” He took a gulp and began calming down. “What was your question?”

Beanstalker furrowed his brow then asked, “We were wondering if you had seen or heard any information regarding this… not-a-statue. It looked like the artist took it down and then set it back up in a new position, then took it down again. This thing has a bit of a fan following online and we’ve got friends who also want to know who made this and why. We’re also curious ourselves.”

The man rubbed his temples. “Right… “ He glanced around a bit, suspiciously.

“I’m sorry if we’re doing something here that could get you in trouble. That’s not our intention here.”

“No, no… that’s not it. It’s just more like… I don’t even know how to tell you, dudes.” The man gave a loud sigh and then began making his way towards the door. He looked back over his shoulder at us and asked, “Have you got some time?”

“We weren’t going anywhere for a week,” Beanstalker said. “This is the reason for our trip.”

“Wait right here,” said the man. “I’ll be back in a few.” He left us alone in the lodge.

We were silent for a few minutes after he left, at which point I said to Beanstalker, “We should have asked for his name!”

“I don’t think he would have told us,” Beanstalker replied. “There’s something fishy going on here for sure.”

“You think he’s trying to keep this a secret from the other Rangers?” I asked.

“That’s probably it. Shame though, we’re probably the exact sort of people who would appreciate a project like that.”

I mused for a while to Beanstalker about how he could possibly be hiding an art project that massive from his coworkers and to what end? Beanstalker suggested maybe it was some kind of porn movie shoot. Maybe we should try and ask him outside of work if he could tell us more about it. I pointed out it’d be easier to find him outside of work if we knew his name.

At that moment, the woman from outside came in and told us his name, then asked if we were the “dudes” asking questions about him. But again, since you don’t need to know him, I’ll keep calling him Paul. Beanstalker told her that we were indeed those dudes but that we were willing to come back and see him outside of work.

“That might be better for all of us,” she said, “but he seems to want to see you boys right now.”

“He was just here,” Beanstalker said, looking back to the door. “He said he’d be back for us.”

“Not anymore, hon. I’m guessing those were your tire tracks out in the woods? He wants to see you there. Take care.” She motioned for us to leave.

Beanstalker and I left the lodge, somewhat sheepishly. Then we made our way to the car. I told Beanstalker that the talk we just had with the woman threw out our theory that Paul was keeping this a secret from the staff. Then we began excitedly chatting about how we were finally gonna get our answers. I suggested maybe we should film the encounter in the clearing, or at least get some pics of us with Paul to show the group. Beanstalker said we should wait and ask Paul and whoever he’s working with if he’d be okay with that first. But I did take the opportunity to film Beanstalker recapping the story up to now as we drove up to the clearing.

“Hey guys!” Beanstalker spoke to the camera with his hands on the wheel. “So we just spoke to the rangers and it turns out that Paul’s model is actually one of them. We were at the clearing earlier but now they’re asking us to drive back out to the clearing again to hopefully get some… answers…” Beanstalker’s voice drifted off. The car began slowing down and his eyes widened in a look of pure panic, then he screamed, “Holy mother of God!” I looked up from my phone, and promptly dropped it as I was looking out the windshield into the clearing and up at Paul.

It wasn’t a statue. Our car was heading for a massive pair of knees that connected up to the physique of a colossal muscular man. He was easily taller than the pine trees around him. He was kneeling before us with a green tarp around his waist. I craned my neck up to look up past his chest and there up in the sky was the face of the young man who has just nervously left us in the lodge less than an hour ago.

Suddenly our car was in shadow and what looked like massive pink walls fell from the sky around us before the ground shifted. Beanstalker screamed and gripped the wheel closely as we and everything in the car moved around. The giant was picking us up like a toy car! The vehicle rolled over and I was held in place by my buckle as loose items flew through the air up at us before we were righted again. An eye the size of one of our heads gazed into our windshield. We both stared at Paul’s face like he was a monster before he timidly smiled and said, “HI.”

We sat there stunned for a second before I yelled “Hi” back at Paul. Beanstalker put his foot down on the gas petal, but it wouldn’t do any good. The wheels spun in the air since Paul was holding the car up above his palm between his 15-foot-long middle finger and his thumb. His thumb alone was as long as the car was. I also kind of question now what Beanstalker thought would happen if he did drive off Paul’s hand, as we were about 100 feet in the air at that point. The ground would’ve done more harm to us than the giant.

“WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU GUYS WANTED TO KNOW?” Paul asked us. He was clearly trying to whisper, but his voice was still carrying very far, very loudly, and majorly deepened. I was about to speak up and say something but Paul continued without giving me time to say it.

“WHAT’S THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.” He turned the car and brought us closer to his ears, and everything in the car shifted again. The lurch as we accelerated to meet his ears, a distance of around 50 feet in just a second was terrifying. I don’t think he even realized how much of a roller coaster ride it was to just be handled by him. He chuckled a bit before bringing us back around to where he could see our faces.

“YEAH. NO STATUE, DUDES. NO SCULPTOR. TAKE A GOOD LOOK. IT’S ALL ME.” He gestured over his whole body with his other hand.

I didn’t even know what question I’d ask if he could hear us, my mind was racing just to contend with the jerking motions of being thrown around as much as we were and also my disbelief that this could be happening. In a way, this was a massive dream come true for me. Something that I secretly wished about Paul was that he as a real giant, and he was! And we were probably about to die in his hands as he cradled our car. I started yelling, and Beanstalker began screaming again too.

“I…” Paul looked up from his body and back into the car, and reacted like he could hear us screaming this time. “ARE YOU OKAY?”

“PUT US DOWN!” I yelled.

“OH!” Paul blushed and cupped a hand over his mouth before slowly bending forwards. “JEEZ, SORRY ABOUT THAT,” he set the car on the ground and slowly let go. “SOMETIMES I DON’T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH.”

As soon as Beanstalker realized we were back on solid ground, he slammed the reverse again and we drove away, with him giving out another long scream until Paul was out of sight again.

We kept driving until the adrenaline wore off, at which point, in a nondescript part of the woods, we pulled over and tried to collect ourselves.

“What the hell!?” Beanstalker cried.

“We have to go back.” I said.

“Are you insane!?” Beanstalker said.

“He’s real! He’s a real giant!” I said.

This went on for a bit. We were still reeling in shock from the encounter. Beanstalker insisted that he couldn’t be a real giant and spouted some physics stuff about a law with cubes and squares of some sort and I insisted that he was obviously real and if Beanstalker thought otherwise, he was the insane one. We just lived that! Beanstalker took a deep breath in and said, “okay, we’re gonna go back. And he’s not gonna be there. Giants aren’t real.”

We started our way back over to the clearing, but before we got there, we saw Paul, back in his ranger outfit, driving a little go-kart on the road heading back from the clearing. I stopped Beanstalker and pointed the car out and told him to follow Paul. Beanstalker honked the horn and we all pulled over.

“I thought you guys were gonna skip town!” Paul laughed at us.

“What the hell was that!?” Beanstalker yelled.

“I didn’t mean to scare you dudes,” Paul said. “I just didn’t know how to explain it”

“We’re still in need of some expanation,” I said.

“What the hell was that!!?!” Beanstalker repeated himself. “Are you like a sizeshifter or was that a robot suit or something!?”

“Sizeshifter?” Paul said. “I haven’t heard that way of putting it before.”

“See, he is a Giant!” I said kind of mockingly to Beanstalker.

“How is that possible!?” Beanstalker asked frantically. “How do you grow? Who else knows about this? Are you keeping this a secret? Is there some kind of secret race of giants out here? Is everyone in the town in on this!? Do you defy the conservation of matter with your growth!?” Beanstalker’s questions got faster and faster and more full of physics terminology and paranoid statements about the town and what the giants living in it might do to us now that we know their secret. Clearly Beanstalker had a bunch more scenarios playing out in his head leading up to this encounter than I had. Once Beanstalker ran out of breath, Paul began speaking.

“Uhh…. Well, I don’t know how I grow,” Paul answered. “Nobody in town knows this about me. I got this job in the woods specifically to hide this part of myself.”

“‘This part of yourself’?” I repeated.

“Yeah,” Paul continued. “When I was a teenager I would, y’know—” He cleared his throat and nervously hiked up his pants. “—yank it—and at a certain point -I think when I was 14—I started noticing that when I yanked it, I’d start getting bigger. But not just down there. It was an all-over thing. Which yeah, isn’t normal.” Paul stuck his hands in his pants pockets and shifted back on hips tried to act all nonchalant even though he was clearly uncomfortable with what he had just told us, two strangers.

“Uh…” Beanstalker grunted. “Understatement, much!?” he said while rubbing his temples.

“Yeah…” Paul sighed. “So if you could keep this on the down-low, maybe not go blabbing about it to your little internet friends, I’d appreciate it.”

“They wouldn’t believe us,” I said. “Nobody would believe us. We could have filmed all that and they’d think we’d faked it.”

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” Beanstalker said.

“A dream come true,” I said.

“—What?” Paul asked me.

“Well,” I began telling Paul. “I—and I think most guys in the server—secretly wished that something like this was real. You’re a sizeshifter! You turn into a giant when you get aroused! And not even like just a slightly taller guy either! Do you know how big you get?”

“I don’t know,” Paul smiled. “I’ve never had someone measure me.”

“You’re 304 feet tall.” Beanstalker said from memory, still in disbelief.

“How—?”

“We measured you in the satellite picture.” Beanstalker interrupted Paul.

“Oh yeah,” Paul said. “I actually forgot that’s how this all started. Got it in my head one of your little friends saw me in person. I don’t think you showed me the picture. Can I take a look?”

“I’ll get it,” I said, turning back to our vehicle. “My phone fell out in the car—you know—” I tilted my head back jokingly and said to Paul, “when you picked it up and shook it!”

Paul laughed. “I was trying to be gentle! It’s like I said! I don’t know my own strength when I’m big!”

“How do you shrink back down?” Beanstalker asked as I picked my phone off the car floor.

“It’s a bit embarrassing,” Paul confessed, “but If I yank it to get big you can imagine that to shrink, I gotta, y’know… cum.”

“That is so hot!” I said, bringing my phone over with the picture of Paul all big on it. Paul flipped through it and the corresponding ones of the model I had saved next to it.

“Wow,” Paul said. “You guys really think this is hot?”

“Of course!” we both said.

“Well that’s something,” Paul beamed. He kept flipping and then got to the video I shot of Beanstalker leading up to the encounter. “Huh,” Paul watched the expression of horror overtake Beanstalker’s face as he came into view. “You look scared.” Paul’s brow furrowed.

“I was scared!” Beanstalker exclaimed. “I might still need a change of pants, actually.”

“I was kind of afraid of scaring people,” Paul thought aloud as the video replayed. “I was worried that the government might kidnap me for testing or something when I first realized this was happening to me…I kept this whole thing a secret from my parents, our doctors… I didn’t date through all of high school.” He sounded a bit sad. Beanstalker’s panic came back into view in the video. Paul paused the image and looked at it, then back to Beanstalker, then he handed me back my phone. “Honestly,” Paul said, “now that you two know, I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me now.”

A grin spread across his face. “But you came back! It’s such a relief!” As he laughed, I noticed that the clothes on Paul’s body were getting tighter, he slowly crept up in size by a few inches, before stopping himself and breathing carefully. “Oof.. got a little too excited just then,” he said, “but still… such a relief.”

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