Crossed Dial Podcast: Dear John

by Tym Greene   

The Crossed Dial Podcast is new, and popular. Like other shows (Thrilling Adventure Hour and Welcome to Nightvale among them) it purports to present stories from an alternate reality, in this case in the form of one-on-one interviews with a random denizen of that reality. But unlike those other programs, there seems to be an undercurrent of realness to this show, and the guests seem so very authentic that it’s sometimes hard to imagine it being fiction.

Host: Hello and welcome to the Crossed Dial Podcast where we use magic and technology to cross the radio dial and peer through the airwaves to get a glimpse of what might have been. My name is Max and I’ll be your host as always, and today we have John with us, from an Earth where…but perhaps I’d better let him tell us.

Host: As usual, my magic will allow him to answer questions with the truth, no matter what, (even if he might not otherwise know or want to tell us…but that would hardly make for good podcasting)! So, John, tell us a little about yourself and how your universe differs from ours, here at the Crossed Dial Podcast.

Guest: Hello Max, thanks for having me! From what your magic’s informed me, there’s two big differences. First, we have five years of high school instead of four, and second, we’re still at war.

Host: As in, still fighting WWII?

Guest: Yup! Oh I suppose that leads to another difference. You see, maybe it’s because of the extra year of schooling, or ha ha maybe there’s a genie or demon or something toying with our whole reality, but instead of developing atomic weapons like they did in your reality, instead our scientists put their wartime efforts wholly into genetics. They were hoping to create super soldiers—

Host: As you do, ha ha.

Guest: But they were only able to give their subjects attributes from one animal at a time, resulting in what your magic tells me is called an “anthro.”

Host: That’s right, an animal in human form, or in their case, a human with animal parts.

Guest: Of course, there was one other problem with their technique…every test subject ended up the opposite gender.

Host: Wow, that is interesting…and definitely gives weight to the idea that some magical entity is fucking with your reality.

Guest: I know! For all we know, there might not even actually be a war! But we still want to do our part, most of us.

Host: Could you give us a few examples?

Guest: Well, my grandma is probably the most patriotic in my family. She volunteered right away to help the war effort. So now she’s a big male elephant, shoveling coal at one of the factories in town. The pay isn’t that great, but she was retired anyways, and she’s never been stronger! I know she’d been wanting to do her part, and now she’s working hard, sweating every day—even weekends!

Guest: It’s a good thing that cloth is needed for the armies too, they tell us, so most of us civilians have donated our clothing. Nudity is only natural, and besides, since we don’t know how long this war is going to go—and how long we’ll be in our “Victory Bodies” as the propaganda calls them—it would be wasteful to get a whole new wardrobe tailored to fit. Plus it means we use less soap and detergent, less time and water washing clothes we just get dirty all over again, so all of that can be reallocated to the war effort too!

Host: That explains your current…lack of wardrobe. So your grandmother is now a burly elephant stud; I imagine the rest of your family isn’t unaffected by this?

Guest: Absolutely, we’re so proud of her. Dad re-enlisted soon after grandma did, but he got assigned to the Protein Board’s dairy production team instead. His change went a bit farther than most, so it’s a lot easier for him to spend time on all four hooves, even if it means we had to leave our doors unlocked so he can use his mouth to open them. He needs a little extra help with things like brushing his teeth and such, but that’s what family is for. He’s also really excited at the rumors that they might be moving him to the meat production department soon.

Host: That sounds like an interesting department…what about your other family members?

Guest: I’ve got an uncle who’s serving overseas, he got drafted, literally and figuratively. His last letter said he’s pulling provision carts for the army, and he included this photo—

Host: Let me remind you that this is a podcast, so you’ve got to describe it.

Guest: Well, there’s a big European forest in the background, and you can see my uncle hitched up with his fellow soldiers, he’s the big burly mare with the mustache. Around him in the photograph are the other members of his division, mostly dogs and wolves… they’re all female and mostly naked, because of the Victory Body gender swap and the clothing rationing, you see. Oh and that lioness is their commanding officer. Most officers go lion: they tell us it gives them stamina, fortitude, and a commanding presence. I’ve never met one in person, but even in this blurry photograph you can see how handsome he looks with his cap and that open uniform coat showing off his feminine curves…

Host: I can see you’re very…impressed by his stature there. Perhaps it’s a good thing this is audio only, we wouldn’t want your, um, enthusiasm to get us demonetized.

Guest: I also have an older sister, she’s a camel in the foreign legion. She’s quite a stud, and has really impressed her superior officers with her stamina and dedication. Her boyfriend will be a lucky man when he marries her…oh, they won’t get this radio program—podcast—back home, will they? Well, then, I can tell you that he’s confided to me that on her next leave he’ll propose!

Host: That’s wonderful news! I’m sure they’ll be quite happy together. Has he volunteered too?

Guest: No, they say his job at the Protein Board is too crucial for the distraction of a Victory Body, and besides there’s little benefit to being a horse or a cow while sitting at a desk. My mother, on the other hand is holding down two jobs: she’s a secretary for Protein Board and also boar bristle producer. It makes her kisses a bit scratchy between “bristle harvests,” but we’re all so proud of her, and they tell us boar bristles are essential to the war effort. Plus she’s got the biggest balls in the family now, even bigger than grandma’s!

Host: You have quite the family. But you are still fully human, have you not been drafted?

Guest: I’m in my last year of high school (the fifth, you remember) so I can’t volunteer yet and the draft is still for folks older than 21, but I still do what I can to help out. For example: with all the different shifts and long hours everyone at home is working, I’m often the only one home after school when grandma’s shift ends. So I help her wash the coal dust from her grey skin and out of her hair, then she ties it back up in her bun while I massage her muscles…that always gets a rise out of her and I gladly help her with that too—though I have to use both hands and can only fit the head in my mouth—but the way she pats me with her trunk and calls me a good patriot afterwards…well, it only makes me want to work harder to support her.

Host: It’s so important, especially in times of national crisis, to have strong family ties. But it sounds like you’re all so busy helping out the war effort that you don’t to spend get much time together.

Guest: Sometimes we do get family time, which mostly involves mom and grandma making use of dad’s big bovine pussy. He’s already on all fours, and that tail’s always up—he says that the Dairy Department management insists that frequent breeding is crucial to high milk yields, and who are we to argue with such august opinions?—so mom and grandma and I all do our part to help him out. Even grandpa would occasionally give in to his son-in-law’s needs.

Host: Your grandpa lives with you too? I’m curious how he reacts to your grandma’s changes.

Guest: Oh Grandpa was stubborn, a conscientious objector to the whole idea of war and changing your whole body for the country…and I suspect he’d been a bit romantically frustrated, since his wife became such a big strong elephant man, and the only pussy he’d been getting was from dad…but when it was reported that the enemy had started transforming their soldiers too, that was the last straw. He’d heard that their procedure had managed to give the subject the desired attributes (strength, obedience, resistance to cold, less need for food, and so on) without drastically altering the person’s physical form, which is downright unsportsmanlike if you ask me. I remember the day he threw down his newspaper and marched right to the recruiting office. Now he’s been assigned to the protein board’s egg division, and he’s never been happier. He gets to do his patriotic duty, squatting on a nest (either the one “at the office” or the one in the living room) all day long and popping out eggs while he reads the news and cackles over how good the reports say our side is doing.

Host: A man-sized chicken? I bet those are some fine eggs. But what about yourself, any romantic interests?

Guest: My girlfriend’s a year older than me, so when she graduated last year she signed right up. I’m so proud of her, and she told me she got assigned to the Northern Unit.

She’d always wanted to go into medicine, so now she’s a big cuddly polar bear man learning doctoring firsthand—or first-paw, I suppose—as a nurse up there. She sent me a picture too. Look at how beautiful she is, those rippling muscles, those firm pecs, the little pillbox cap on top of her curls. Her best friend, Sally, got assigned to the same unit, she’s the Saint Bernard next to her; I’m glad they remembered to take their surgical masks off for the photo, so you can see how happy they are (and Sally’s still got such a good smile too, behind those jowls). It’s also clear how much they enjoy serving their country, if those erections are anything to go by. Oh…I hadn’t noticed they were holding hands before. Well, like I said, Sally’s her best friend. I can’t wait for her next leave; I’ve missed holding her hand and maybe occasionally some necking out at Makeout Point, nothing untoward mind you.

Host: I can tell you really love your girlfriend, and it’s laudable how much you encourage her. I can also see how…close she is with her best friend there. Do you have any friends who’ve been affected by this?

Guest: My best friend Frank…you’re sure no one in my reality will hear this? I don’t want anyone to get in trouble…well, he lied about his age so he could sign up. He’s actually a Marine now, down in Florida. He lost the muscular definition he’d worked so hard on building up on the wrestling and football teams, but then manatees aren’t exactly known for their bodybuilding physiques, haha. But it’s a small sacrifice for him, and it means he can patrol the water night and day, protecting our harbors. I’m hoping this winter break they’ll lift the nonessential travel ban so I can go down and visit him. His letters are always a bit smudged, but from what I’m able to make out he’s having the best time, but he misses me as much as I miss him.

Host: I know you’re going to wait until you’ve graduated, but what then? Do you have any plans for your career, or maybe joining the military?

Guest: As for me? I haven’t decided yet. We’re all on pretty strict rationing these days: most of the time we only have oats and corn meal, so getting a Victory Body would certainly make that easier to swallow, ha ha. Since I’m almost done with school, it would be silly to follow Frank’s example and then have to get a GED later. And anyways, while you can put your name in for a specific department or branch, it’s a lot less paperwork to simply volunteer, that way you can fill whatever need they have at the moment…I mean, it also means you don’t have to pick, but then you might be stuck as a carrier pigeon or something.

If I had to pick, I might go with a coal hauler. I’d love to work near grandma, and she said the mules at her factory are all really popular with the other old ladies shoveling coal as sweaty elephant men. Just think of how good it would be, working with the “Granny Brigade” to keep our city’s factories pumping, keep power and material flowing. It might be mindless, repetitive, strenuous work, but so is high school! But yes, in all seriousness, if I had to pick right this second, that’s what I’d want.

Host: Well, John, I know I speak for my whole audience when I say we hope you get your dream. Good luck fighting the good fight (and give your grandma a big kiss for us when you get home).

Guest: Thanks for having me Max, feel free to stop by if you’re ever in my neck of the multiverse. My family would give you a welcome you won’t soon forget.

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