The permanent cuddle

by Cail Smith

An unfortunate victim of the Merge Wave tells his story. 

Living on your own can leave you feeling pretty isolated sometimes. The occasional Grindr date can alleviate the worst of it though. Boy am I kicking myself now, I’d do anything to go back to feeling lonely. Let me tell you my story.

I was browsing late at night when I first saw him. Ethan (25). Pretty blue eyes. Nice, skinny twink build. Just my type. I sent him a pretty standard message: “How would you feel about horror movies and cuddles sometime?”. Somewhere out there, fate was laughing at me.

He was very receptive, and we soon arranged a time to meet at a nearby sushi joint. We talked for a good long while, feeling each out before I invited him back to my place. I own a plush oversized chair facing my TV and I had him sit while I made us both mixed drinks and grabbed a blanket. We settled in, warm and cozy for a few cheesy slasher flicks. I made the move to kiss him during the second one and we started making out. Things were going great but that’s the exact moment everything changed for us forever.

They later dubbed it the first Merge Wave and unfortunately there’s been three others over the last few years. No one knows what causes them and the epicenter changes every time. Some people think it’s a runaway science experiment or a devious new Chinese weapon. Others think it’s an act of God and sign that our society is drifting too far apart. I suppose it really doesn’t matter too much. It was too late for us at least.

I immediately knew something was wrong. My whole body felt like it was on fire, and I heard Ethan groan in pain. I tried to pull away from him to better assess the situation but found that I couldn’t. Our bodies were twisting and contorting underneath the blanket. As I threw it off, I froze in horror at the sight of my flesh reaching for his and vice versa. I could hear the audible riiip as our clothes tore to make room for our newly emerging form. We both struggled desperately, trying to undo whatever was happening to us but it was useless. My vision shrank to a pinpoint, and I passed out.

When I came to, Ethan was pushing on my cheek. He was simultaneously yanking himself in the other direction, attempting to tear himself off of me. I angerly told him to knock it off, it obviously wasn’t helping and I needed a second to come to my senses. I looked over our shared anatomy. His head besides mine, two arms and two legs. Our body seemed like a perfect blend of both of our original ones. I noted that our dicks also rested side by side. It felt like such an invasion of my personal space and privacy. I’m sure if I had thought to ask Ethan at the time, he would agree.

We quickly discovered that we could only control and feel our “side”. With excruciating effort and communication, we managed to sit up. Ethan was hysterical, his sobbing incessant but I was determined to use my brain. I needed to know what was going on, despair could wait. I had us scoot across the floor so I could grab the TV remote off my coffee table.

I quickly flicked on the news. They had live coverage of the chaotic aftermath of the Merge Wave. It seems like Ethan and I got off relatively lightly. We watched as images of people fused in terrible ways flashed across the screen: Three middle-aged woman, joined at the skull. Two younger men, their chest and arms melded. A couple who shared a tongue. Six people at a bar resembling a human knot. It seemed like millions of people were affected. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared.

Ethan called for an ambulance, and we took a quick ride, the paramedics asking us a billion questions. When we got to the hospital, we discovered that there was already a dozen victims in the waiting room, some crying quietly, others in shock. Two teenage girls sharing a leg were even having a fist fight. As we waited to be seen, I couldn’t help but notice that there was no position we could sit that didn’t result in our dicks touching and rubbing together. We made awkward and stilted small talk to distract ourselves from the unintentional boners.

After what seemed like an eternity, we were called up and made our way to the doctor’s office down the hall with agonizing slowness. A quicker pace risked a tumble and the last thing we needed was a broken arm or concussion. The very overworked doctor confirmed we were stable and in good health. All the other victims were too, he said. A very lucky few could even be separated surgically. Good for them. We were sharing all our vital organs so that wasn’t an option.

It’s been about two years since that day. Ethan and I have had a lot of ups and downs since then. The first week was beyond uncomfortable. We had to learn how to shower together, sleep together, shit together and when the urge finally grew too powerful to ignore: masturbate together. We had discussed it earlier that evening and agreed on blowing off some steam before bedtime but when the time came, we both faced away and tried with all our might to pretend the other one wasn’t there. Now it’s pretty routine for me to get off in the shower, sometimes Ethan even joins in, but he usually waits for me to go to sleep because that’s “the only time he has to himself”. I swear to God if he wakes me up one more time by jerking it too loud, I’m going to kill him.

The biggest challenge is tolerating each other in such close proximity. It’s just so damn easy to get on each other nerves and since we can’t walk away when we are angry, it’s hard to cool off. We still get in regular shouting matches. It really doesn’t help that we have much different tastes in food, music and hobbies either. Coexistence is a daily struggle. I got an email today that our government-paid Merge therapy finally got approved so maybe there’s some hope that we can learn to get along a little better. I really don’t mean to make Ethan seem like an asshole, it’s just not the best living arrangement.

We’ve attempted to date other people but it’s always difficult. Ethan had a boyfriend for a while. A big bear of a man named Kyle but he and I got in a huge argument one day and that really soured things from then on out. I’m bisexual so I have a little more flexibility and I’m currently dating a girl named Joanna who is also a Wave victim. She’s joined to her roommate Jeff in a configuration very similar to ours. I was really hoping Jeff would conveniently reveal himself to be gay at some point so he and Ethan could get involved but life is rarely that neat and tidy. It’s a tremendous amount of work to make sure all four of us are on the same page but so far so good.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing all this down. Maybe need to get it all off my chest? Maybe I just want attention? I think I simply want people to cherish their privacy and alone time while they can. Who knows, the next Wave could be right around the corner.

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