The Scrotoman

by TlaloctheWeirdo   

A university student’s life is about to change when his best friend, one of the university’s top athletes, stashes a human-like alien in his room.

“Hey! Did you guys hear about…” Stacy runs past me up to her pink preppy group of girlfriends. She doesn’t even give any attention to who is around her, you know, always trying to be the center of attention. I try not to listen to what they say, or what anyone here at this school says. Ever since the president of the university’s council, Mr. Whitlock, came out as having had affairs with who knows how many different guys, the entire campus seems to think it’s okay now to just bring out everyone’s secrets and to talk about almost anything and everything to anyone. Though to be honest, today did seem to be an especially bad day for gossip.

“God, I hate Fridays.” I frown, turning the corner to enter into my last class, Biology and Genetics.

“Oh, but Fridays are fun!” a voice says. My shoulders suddenly feel heavy and I’m pulled down, almost falling over, but I know instantly who it is dragging me to the floor. Taking his large muscular arm off me and relieving my body of his weight, I turn to face an olive-skinned male, with dark black hair, messy as always, perfectly round eyes with colors as if they were dipped in sweet caramel and honey, and a smile so big it lights up the room.

Santiago, also known as Santy. One of this school’s top male athletes, and also my best friend. Who knows what sports, clubs, gatherings, classes, the list can go on, this guy has. Everyone looks up to him. I look up to him.

“Friday is the day when the weekend starts!” he says, taking a seat in the chair where I usually take my place among my classmates. He kicks his feet up onto the desk and leans back.

“Shirtless, barefoot… and wet. Sant! Please, please, pleassssseeee tell me you’re not sweating… What is all this? Why are you wet?!” I ask him, dropping all my stuff on the ground, somewhat displeased now that I’ll have to find another spot to sit and the possibility that the water will be blamed on me. He continues to sit and ignore me. This guy showing off his bulging chest muscles, pectorals I jokingly say he carries his milk around in, a pack of iron-like abs, and long well-built legs leading into some of the nicest and largest stompers any guy could have.

We’re interrupted by screaming… screams of laughter and joy, as girls entering the room and getting a view of a perfect guy. Santiago smiles and opens his eyes only to look at me.

“Not water nor sweat,” he says. He swiftly stands up and moves quickly around the desk, knocking the other chairs over. He almost slips on the wet floor but holds firm to the desk in front and runs out. Then sticks his head back in and points at me, “Eli! Tonight at 7! You said you’d go.” He then looks away and pretends to shoot me with his hand.

I dump my stuff on the big dried out plant next to the door. It’s never going to get watered sadly but its still there.

The clock on the reddish orange wall reads 4:54. Turning on the lights to my flat I take one step and it’s wet. The whole area in front of the door is soaked. “Santiagooooo…” I groan, turning into the small kitchen area of my flat and that’s when I see… it. Him? No, not Santiago, but a man, a monster? This guy was huge! Not just huge… gigantic and butt naked! My body tenses up and I can’t do anything, this man is so large he’s taking up all of my kitchen floor. He’s wet and naked and huge. My thoughts stop. Nothing can come out of me but a small ‘squee’. Questions pile up in my head. Who was he? How did he get here? Is this the liquid that Santi had on him? Why? Why why?

The large man starts rising, his arms smash into the cupboards, but loses his grip and falls chest to tile floor with a splat.

“Ah! Wait, don’t get up!” I scream.

“Don’t do a rising?” he screams back and holds his hands over his head, and holds himself down against the grey floor.

“What?” I take a step back

“Is this not what you ask? I not to rise?” The large man stays on the ground and holds still.

“Well, yeah, no… wait, who are you? Why are you here? How did you get into my apartment?” I look over at the knife holder and quickly grab the largest one, holding it with two hands pointing it at him.

“Yes? No? maybe? Question of one, I am Scrotoman. Question of two, my own purpose is pertaining to study, the life that is present of this rock space system, I have reason with beings, humans? Is this name, yes! Question of three, young life-being dragged me inside, great hospitality! Yes yes!” He turns his head towards me but still stays to the kitchen floor.

His dark blonde hair goes well with his lighter shade of skin, not a single blemish or hair on all his body but most outstanding of all are his eyes. As he faces me I could see the most brilliant blue iris I’ve ever seen in my life as if they glowed from the inside out.

“I beg for life, no harm, please?” he says, looking straight at the knife in my hands.

I hesitate for a moment but my anxiety doesn’t leave me alone. “I can’t, I don’t know who you are, and how can I trust you?’’

As he starts to stand up, scream back at him. “Wait! Don’t get up!”

“But I must, you are of asking for my identity, I must greet life being with my face? Yes?’’ he says laying back then sliding his arms to his sides.

“Fine… but do it slowly! And no surprises, okay?” I take a few steps back and watch him stand.

He manages to get on his knees but his head already meets the ceiling of my apartment. I gasp at the size of this being. This isn’t normal at all. I glance at his feet my eyes widen as I see they’re almost the size of my dining room chairs. He backs up away from the kitchen area and turns around in the small space as best as he could. How did he even get inside? How did he get through my door? I look towards the entrance but everything seems to be intact, nothing looks broken. I look back at him…

“Hooooly…” my eyes trail down his massive body onto his crotch and see a large pair of testicles, they almost cover his legs and spread out onto the floor in front of him …and there’s no dick!

‘‘You don’t have a penis?’’ I utter out softly.

there’s no cock… on this man. My head fills with so many questions. How did I not notice his huge testes while he was on the floor facedown? My face blushes, why am I blushing? I have no idea but still the matter at hand, Eli: there is a man with no dick and some large ball sized testis in your kitchen.

“Is there missing of a bodily function?’’ he asks and looks down grabbing his huge scrotum and lifting it up stretching it to the sides while looking around himself.

“Oh my goodness… stop! What are you… doing? Who? How?” I drop the knife and immediately head for the door.

“Eliiijaaaahhhh,” Santiago suddenly pops up and swiftly comes in closing the only exit I had. “I see you’ve met Joey… Well, I don’t know what his name is but I’m going to call him Joey for now, right Joey?” He looks at the monstrous man and nods.

“I am called—” ‘Joey’ starts to object, but is immediately interrupted by Santiago

“No! Joey is your Earth name now, okay?” Santi turns to me and gently grabs my arms and holds tightly.

“Santiago, there is a monster… there is a man! A man thing in my apartment,” I squeal and fluster so much I… Then I realize, it’s a dream… this… is a dream, it has to be a dream, I must have fallen asleep in my last class. “This is a dream right? I’m dreaming! That’s what this is?” I smile, thinking I got this all under control…

Santiago quickly slaps me. Right away I’m feeling the blood rush and try to soothe the spot he hit.

“Nope, not dreaming then…” I say falling to the floor and looking at ‘Joey’—he looks even more scared than me now.

“No, but why you must be such violent with him?” ‘Joey’s’ eyes tear up, and his face contorts into a horrible expression… ’‘Not of this yes?” He nods and scoots closer, his hands up, palms facing towards both Santi and me.

“No! I mean… I did slap him but that’s not violence right? Don’t cry… I didn’t do it for violence I swear,” Santiago stutters and looks at me. “See, he’s okay!” he tells the giant, pointing at the red hand mark on my cheek.

The time on the oven read ‘6:02’. I swear I’ve never sat in awkward silence as complete as this before. Santiago left after trying to reason with me about Joey’s existence. Joey also shrunk in size right before my eyes, but not has to wait a whole other hour to do more ’‘humanly’’ changes? Does that sound right? He sits right across from me nothing but a blank expression, looking my way every so often. I refuse to look at where he sits. Even though he shrunk to a possible human size, his male melons still hang off the chair and almost touch the ground. How is any of this even possible? I ask myself over and over, trying to reason with the knowledge I’ve learned. And how is Santiago so calm about this situation?

*clink!* the sound of a metallic spoon against glass. I look from the corner of my eye. Joey sits there with his head hunched over and the look of surprise and curiosity.

“Feeling of guilt… my meaning is not to startle, please, continuation of silence.” He folds his arms in and looks down.

I want to ask so many questions but where do I start? With the way he communicates, will he even understand me at all?

“Are you…” I start to ask, as I do, his head jolts up and he smiles, “thirsty?”

What the heck, Eli? Thirsty? Out of the other questions you had, you ask him if he’s thirsty?

“Oh much of this so! Please if can quench this thirst I will be ever loving.’’ He opens his hands and he holds them towards me. I nod and stand up, the carpet underneath my dining table squishes with the sound of wet strands.

“Do you want water? Or what do you drink?” I say opening the fridge and pulling out a bottled water.

“Is this musk water? Having of this world musk water??” His eyes grow big and he nearly stands up, stepping partly on his scrotum and partly on the wet carpet, his huge foot squishes into both. I stare…

“If only allowed, but was not of allow, I was distraught, when this professor over me said I must not and must custom the ways of the life form on this world.” He sits back down, reaches over and grabs a banana off the center bowl. I walk over to him trying not to gaze down, I’m surprised he didn’t even see me staring at his…

“I’m not sure what musk water is. The way it sounds, it sounds horrible if I think too much on it.” I hand him the bottled water but he just looks at it.

“If you’re human, you should drink this”

“This human is temporarily life.” He grabs the bottle and bites down on the cap *crunch… crunch crunch* he bites all around it but doesn’t open it.

“This water is closed, the membrane is not for eating?” *crunch* “please explain human methods yes?”

I look even more confused at him. Grabbing the bottle, I take the cap off and take a sip of it handing it back to him.

“Interest is exceeding! My turn!” He proceeds to grab the bottle and examine it, then shoving the whole top into his mouth as the water trickles down and around his mouth. He has no problem with the swallowing part, so that’s the good thing at least. Joey stands up off the chair and walks past me holding the now empty bottle into the air.

“This, this! The sweet of tasting! What of must examine structural molecular sequence for such sweetness!” He turns to me taps me on the nose with the plastic bottle. “Must say formula for sweetness? Please recite this instance!”

“Dihydrogen monoxide? Two atoms hydrogen one atom oxygen?”

Immediately Joey reaches down and grabs his stretched scrotum and pulls his huge testicles towards him.

‘‘Oh my…” My eyes open wide and I reach for his arms, putting them into the air as he drops his parts. His forearms are strong, warm, and soft. I’m not at all taller than him but I hold his arms over my head as best I can.

“Don’t touch yourself…? Don’t… how were you raised? Do you not feel embarrassed?” I ask and shake his arms side to side.

He’s not at all surprised, startled, or reacting to my movements. His face goes back to being expressionless like before.

“Is life not open to touching of one self body? I am guilty of not learning quickly, please for I am slower than my brothers, I must learn life here too.” He quickly kicks his huge balls behind his legs and hides them. I begin to blush more.

“What are you two doing?” Santiago closes the door behind him, “Elijah! Come on bud, the game starts at 7! And you’re still in the same clothing as this morning?”

I’m feeling rather happy I came to see Santiago’s game. He plays really well with his team. Yet I have to wonder, how in the world does he practice for these games? It seems like he’s always hanging out in my flat playing video games on that PlayStation I bought that I hardly ever get to play on. Everyone goes wild as they make another goal, it’s a bit sad to see the losing team discouraged then again why do they even match our school with a random college? Shouldn’t we be playing against other top schools in the country? I don’t know how that works.

Santiago runs up to the edge of the stands in the section where I sit and smiles waving his arms at me.

“Eli! Did you see that!?” he jumps and swings a fist around up to his chest and then holds a peace sign into the air. I nod and smile back but I get bombarded and squished upon as multiple girls flood into my view screaming and laughing, each one holding a tie-dyed shirt with different names from Santy’s team.

“Oh geez,” I think to myself, turning my head and rubbing my forehead. My expression quickly changes as I see Joey. “Oh no…’’ My heart drops and my eyes grow so large I feel like their gonna fall out. He’s standing right there at the end of the stands… clothed, at least, but they are my clothes. They fit way too tight around his bulging muscular body and people are slowly starting to notice.

I stand up quickly and make my way down the stairs, bumping, shoving, and moving people. “Joey, Joey, Joeeyyyyy, Joeyy,’’ I repeat over and over.

He’s so much taller than the security guards. How did they not even notice him? Geez…

“Elija—”

I interrupt him mid-sentence. grabbing his arm as best I can and pulling him out of view, unexpectedly easily for what a big guy he is. He stumbles over and tries to keep up with me.

“Joey!! What are you doing here!? I thought I said to stay inside!”

“But is got of being lonely, I had bright idea, so I came to see the game too!” He smiles, bending down to give me a big hug. He smells so good, his muscular arms hold me so warm and it feels amazing. His body is also a lot warmer even though with just a shirt and pants on. Why does this feel good? I feel so safe and peaceful… Just before I feel myself give in, I just need to be serious! I don’t know him yet either! I’m so vulnerable.

“Joey!’’ I push him back. “No, man, you basically ignored me. How did you even get here?”

“In reasoning with the books of knowledge Elijah has given to me, I understood the human life and ways, I also noticed of clothing and styles that come from the frozen people on the paper. Sadly they are not moving but they are great examples of humans.” He smiles and then turns around and points to the pathway that leads here. “And so then I come outside and a sleeping female comes down from on top, I ask for directions to the game but female just keeps silent and then woke up and looked here,” he adds, pointing to his crotch area… and yup you can clearly see a huge outline of a male penis. He is huge it looks like a meat sausage stuffed down his pants leg. “She continued silent, but I sensed another form of speak in her and I try this so I ask female again Yóuxì zài nǎlǐ? And she said Láilái, so then I followed female here.” He smiles and tries to hug me again.

I shake my head and look around, I look towards the stands, at the security guard who now is starting to give me some scary looks, and then back at Joey.

“See, Joey, I asked you to stay inside because… wait, how are you speaking English better?”

“Book grammar is precise, yes?” He nods and pulls out one of the books from under his shirt.

“Joey… “ I laugh and tug on his arm heading back to my flat but he stops me this time.

“But I please, I must learn of human ways and there is hundreds of humans in there!” He turns around and looks up at the stands.

“I know, Joey, but you need this to even be on campus.” I hold up my lanyard with a school ID on it. “This is a verification that lets other humans know that you attend this school or teach here. If you don’t have this on you, you will be thrown out of this school.”

He proceeds to grab the ID and take a closer look at it. Holding the ID with both hands he then proceeds to pull on its edges and it just splits. The other half falling to the floor.

“No no no no!! What are you doing!? Joey!?” I take the half from his hand and look at it but it’s not ripped or split at all. My ID is in whole piece… what did he do? He bends down and picks up the other ‘half’ and shows it to me. It’s the same ID—same picture and same stamp. It’s even reflective to light to verify it’s real.

“But… impossible…” I compare the two IDs side by side.

“Of this material is matter anything is able to split, with the right movements and wave patterns one must share intention so intention is then realized to be true.” He smiles again and grabs the lanyard doing the same splitting effect with it too.

“Wait, no, no no. This won’t work, Joey! See, look.” I show him both IDs and point at the information. “This picture needs to be your face, and this wording needs to be your information.”

“Then please make face and information too!” He looks at the IDs again and reads aloud what is written, “Elijah C. Knight, Hair Brown, Eyes green, height 5’7” weight 150 l-b-s, school: Oceanview, Student, Section: SU-786.” He hands me the cloned ID and smiles.

“Note for me in my ID, My name is—”

I cut him off. “Joey, no! that’s not how this works, I can’t do that, my professors did this for me when I was accepted into this school, they would need to do this for you not me.”

He shifts slightly and makes a rather cute sad face this time and starts to tear up. “But if I fail of this study, I will return to home with nothing to share and this will be for not, the last Scotoman to come here was sadly given to die, if I cannot gather information of human life then all is lost for we will never return.” He sits on the ground and hugs his legs towards him. As he does so a huge rip comes from his crotch area and his male parts fall out.

“Joey…” Those where my favorite pants, too.

Santiago is gonna be mad at me. I left the game earlier than I anticipated after Joey ripped my pants that he had on. Today was a long day. At least a strange alien man didn’t kill me… right?

*grrrur greeeur gur* I turn to Joey who sits at the dining table completely naked, his huge balls hang off the chair edge along with his thick sausage right over his leg facing the other way. I asked him to wear some of Santiago’s clothes but he refuses to—he says they’re too itchy.

“Are you hungry?” I ask Joey, standing up and walking into the kitchen.

He nods and looks down. “I’ve not eaten in this world period. I was not allowed to bring supplement from my home.” He gives a small sigh. “Oh how much I wish to have a warm white seeded bread spread over soft fruit…” He looks up and has a confused look. “this language is funny, what is a white seeded bread? What is a fruit?”

I also look at him confused. “That sounds delicious actually, we have bread… maybe you’re talking about sesame seed buns? And this—” I walk over to the table and grab a mango from the fruit bowl. “This is a fruit. Here, try it.” I hand him the ripe mango. Joey looks at it and examines the mango closer, he then presses his finger into the side as it enters the soft skin and makes a slimy squish sound. Taking the mango closer to his face, he licks its juice and smiles, Biting into the mango skin and all.

“Rather bitter and sweet, yet I do like the flavor. Is having of white seeded bread too?” He asks taking the mango and eating more of it with the skin still attached to it.

I shake my head. “Sorry bud no buns here”

Suddenly the door is flung open and Santiago walks in. He looks mad and is very distraught, walking back and forth between Joey and into the living room.

“You know, I was really looking forward to taking you out for some food tonight, maybe celebrate and talk about things after the game. You promised you’d go to the game.” He stops right in front of the countertop, still in his sweaty soccer uniform, his hair a mess and his face red from all that running. “You could have told me that you were only gonna stay for the first half at least… we won, but what is a win when my best friend isn’t around to see it?”

I’m seriously shocked, he looks really mad. “Sa—”

He cuts me off. “No! You said you would come and watch. This is the first game you even came to but you don’t stay all the way?! I’m disappointed in you Elijah, what the hell?” He grabs his messy hair and shakes his hand through out, spraying little drops of sweat.

“Sant, I had to leave! J—”

“Why!? Why though! You said you didn’t have any classwork this weekend!”

“Santy!” I point at Joey. “He got out and came to the game! How… what do expect me to do?! He doesn’t have a campus ID and he would have easily been thrown out! Then what? I don’t know, what do you think he would do on his own?!” I take a step back and breathe. I hate arguing, let alone screaming. This is not good for my anxiety.

Suddenly Joey appears behind Santiago and lifts him up into a hug, walks around the counter and takes me into his arms too, squishing us together firmly, back to back.

“This two of you sound like young ones, stop this please no violent acts towards friends!” he says, still chewing on a piece of mango.

Santiago starts to kick and wiggle behind me, “Let go! Let go of me! What the heck? How are you doing this?!’’ he asks.

Joey is a bit taller and bigger than Santiago, but by not that much; yet he is able to lift me and Santiago off the floor in a tight hold.

“No, I refuse until anger emotions have gone, please?’’

“What the heck is this? My hand is touching something…” Santiago looks towards the floor and wiggles his arm around. Looking to the side I notice just the top of a bulging cock head covered with loose foreskin, it pushes upward and throbs between our backs. My eyes widen and suddenly I also notice that right underneath I can feel its full size… it’s monstrous.

‘‘That… that is a dick…” Santiago stutters, he turns and looks at Joey, “Damn, dude! Where were you hiding that meat sausage?!”

“This is only for human anatomy, this is not mine only for human looks,” he says, looking over our backs. “Does it look okay? Must I add more detail?”

“No! N-no..” I blurt out first, though to be honest I really want to see the whole thing. How can someone be this huge? “Joey, can you put me down?”

He nods and sets both of us down, walking back to the table, as he does so his monstrous cock immediately starts going soft.

“Oooowee boy!” Santiago walks up next to Joey as he finishes the mango, leaving the half-eaten pit on the table. “Show me how to do that! And I’ll buy you dinner instead!” Santiago immediately looks up and realizes what he said, turning to the TV in the living room and putting his arm on his head, “I mean…” He walks over to the door and stops. “Eli.. I’m sorry about earlier, I shouldn’t have acted that way. I gotta go… the guys have something going on down the field.” He quickly walks out and closes the door.

“Will I get to have food from Santiago?” Joey stands beside me and eats the last half of the mango pit.

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