Welcum to Hell

by Alex Anders

The forces of Hell welcome their newest recruit.

I awoke slowly. The first thing I noticed was the soft, cool mattress beneath me and the pleasantly warm air swirling around me. I was still clothed, thank god, but I had a feeling that wouldn’t be the case for long.

The next thing I noticed was the smell. Not a bad smell, rather pleasant in fact. Dry stone, a few herbs and spices I couldn’t quite place—sage and saffron maybe?—and an undertone of musk. The musk in particular was slightly off. Not in a bad way, just in a I’m-not-sure-who-it-is way.

That’s when I noticed the slight shuffling sounds, as if whoever else was in the room had noticed my stirrings and was standing up. “Oh good, you’re awake,” a slightly gravelly baritone said. “I was worried our collection method had killed you.”

That’s when I remembered how I got here. Well, not here exactly, but here nonetheless. I was walking through the park, alone, when the ground opened up and swallowed me whole, leaving me free-falling through blank darkness for what felt like hours. It was so boring, I had fallen asleep.

But now I was awake. I opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. It was well lit by a good-sized fire in a brass brazier in the center of the room. Beneath me was the mattress with a fine silken sheet over it. To my left was a mirror; I appeared to still be wearing the clothes I was “collected” in—another good sign—but they felt itchy and constricting.

And across from me, on the other side of the fire, stood the owner of the baritone voice. He was tall. And red. And had claws and horns and a long prehensile tail growing from his crotch.

I startled at the sight.

“Hey now,” the demon reassured me, “If I was gonna hurt you, I would have started in by now. You’re safe. Well, as safe as you wanna be.”

I swallowed. “Why am I here?”

“I’m sure you are aware of a certain all-powerful deity?”

“I thought that was a myth!”

“Don’t let him hear you say that!” the demon laughed. “But the point is, he’s gotten sick and tired of all the atheism and usury and sodomy and what-not going on and, after centuries of lobbying, he’s finally allowed us to collect living souls!”

I blinked in disbelief. “I’m sorry, are you telling me the conservative evangelical doomsday young earthers are right?”

“Not about the young earth thing,” the demon said. “That’s just propaganda the man upstairs wants you to believe. Makes him seem bigger and better than he really is. But about all the ‘family values’ stuff? You bet!”

I ran my hands through my hair in anger and disgust and a whole slew of other emotions I didn’t want to process. It seemed to be getting hotter, and my shirt was beginning to stick to me. It was very distracting. “I need to process this,” I declared.

“Make yourself comfortable,” the demon offered. “You know I don’t care.”

I looked over my captor properly this time, and noticed that the tail from his crotch was actually a long, sinuous, delectable cock! I licked my lips. I desperately wanted that cock inside me. “Just so we’re clear,” I said, “you and I are going to fuck, right?”

“That’s the idea,” the demon said, “but only if you want to.”

“Why?”

“Why are we fucking or why do I need your consent?”

“Both I guess.” I took off my shirt. It really was getting too warm.

“Well, you see, the defining feature of Hell is that God ain’t here. He doesn’t come here, he doesn’t look in, we are completely unsupervised down here! And so, we can get up to all manner of deviancy. The intent was that we would consume each other and make a big old demon for him to fight at the end of days. And for the first few million years of our existence, that’s exactly what we did. But a few centuries ago, around the time of Dante, we discovered something: the human soul is not a physical object.”

“What?”

“The human soul does not obey the laws of the universe! So long as its power is freely given, it does not diminish! Ever since, we’ve been juicing each other up to give the old man a real run for his money, and just last week, he gave us permission to collect the living!”

“I see,” I said, dumbfounded. I wiped my brow and my chest with my discarded shirt. It was getting really warm in here, and I had a feeling it wouldn’t start to feel cooler until I was buck naked. “Why?”

“Probably to speed up his apocalypse plans, but we have our own and we are confident we will win.”

“No I mean—ah, never mind, you answered it anyway.” I wiped my brow and chest again. “What happens if I say no?”

“You wake up thinking this whole thing was a dream. There will be judicious edits to your memories to make sure the big G doesn’t find out about things, but that’s about it.”

I licked my lips and took in the swaying, sensuous demon in front of me. He was tall, about seven feet at least, and he appeared to be standing on his tiptoes—although his feet were abnormally long, so maybe that was just how they worked. His fingers and toes each ended with a large, barbed claw instead of a fingertip, and his grin showed off pearly white fangs. His skin was red and hairless and shimmered with iridescence that on closer inspection turned out to be small scales where his hair should be. His face was properly furred though, with a proper beard and a thick head of hair covering his scalp and warming two great big rams horns growing from his forehead.

And his cock! Long and sensuous and sinewy and reaching all the way to the floor. The head seemed oddly sharp, like the barbed claw on the end of each of his fingers. I licked my lips again. “So what happens if we fuck?”

“You turn into a demon as I juice you full of power,” he said. “I can guide you through the transformation if you want me to, but other than a few must-haves, the choice is yours. So what do you say?” He looked down at my crotch where I had been absently rubbing my cock through my tight, sweat damp, constricting jeans for I-don’t-know how long.

Man, these demons sure knew how to pick ‘em. Recently broken up with my boyfriend of two years for some floozy. Just got fired from my dream job for an honest mistake. About to get evicted for failure to pay rent and dreading moving back in with my parents. My very conservative parents, I might add, who never approved of my ‘lifestyle choices’. Sure, I could go back to my old life. But did I want to? And with the apocalypse apparently nigh….

I tore off my pants. “Gimme that cock,” I demanded.

The demon grinned wide and hungry and leapt over the blazing fire to feed me his amazing cock.

“So am I a demon yet?” I asked. I’d sucked off the demon for what felt like hours but was probably only minutes, and it didn’t feel like anything had changed.

“Nah, we’re just lubing me up. To make the magic happen, this bad boy’s gotta go all the way up your ass.”

“Well, that certainly seems like an inviting prospect!” I said. “C’mon, I want that cock. I need that cock!”

“Don’t I know it!” he said. “Just remember, once I’m in, I can’t come out till it’s over. I’m sure you’ve noticed how sharp my glans is; I don’t want to kill you from the inside after all this trouble.”

I pleaded one more time for him to penetrate me already, and in he slid, like a hot knife through butter. “Oh go—, er hell!”

“Nice catch,” he said. “Now, first order of business is to toughen you up, inside and out. May I?”

“Yes, please, I want the rest of that dick in me yesterday!”

And then he started cumming. Or at least, that’s what it felt like for the first few seconds. It quickly became apparent that the hot fluid pouring out his cock was no ordinary cum. It was searingly hot, but not in a third-degree-burns-all-up-my-ass kinda way. More like a set-my-very-soul-on-fire kinda way, and god it felt good! My body drank up all this raw power and I could feel my asshole hardening up, ready to take whatever came its way. Then he plunged deeper, spearing through my inner hole as my ass swallowed more of his fantastic cock.

He leaned in to get a better vantage point and whispered in my ear, “Tell me, sweetheart, what’s your favorite color?”

“Well,” I stammered, barely able to focus, “I’ve always—ah—been partial to purple. The violet shades, with a bit more blue in them, not the magenta ones. Why?”

“Well, I just figured you’d like a bit more color in your life, now that you’re gonna be naked all the time.” The demon jerked me over to face the mirror. “At least, I hope.”

As the demon slid his cock deeper and deeper into me, I watched as my skin turned purple, a violet wave spreading from my ass. My body hair also retreated, flattening into a dusting of fine iridescent scales where my pubes and pits and the faintest trace over my chest were. I licked my lips as it reached my neck and my face turned a royal violet. I could feel the raw power my fuckmate was juicing me with bubbling away under the surface. A wild thought bubbled up with it, and with a short, sharp laugh, my hair turned into a riotous, iridescent, rainbow.

“Ooh, me likey,” the demon cooed. “I might have to try that. In any case, the reins are yours. Make yourself whatever you want to be!”

Unlimited power? Don’t mind if I do! I started earnestly sucking his cock with my ass, milking him for all he was worth—which, so long as he gave his consent, was apparently infinite—and watched eagerly as my body changed.

My arms and legs and torso stretched out as I grew as tall as my demon. My feet stretched out too, as I took a permanent digitigrade stance. My fingertips and toes hardened into sharp, barbed claws, while my teeth became ferocious, pearly white fangs. My beard grew in, just as rainbow riotous as the hair on my head, and then came the horns. Smaller and straighter than my model’s—I wasn’t sure if I wanted to but heads with anyone just yet. I did sharpen up my ears into elfin points though; all the better to hear you with!

And last, but by no means anywhere near least, my cock. I hardened its glans into an eleventh claw, then watched it grow, and grow, and grow! Long, and strong, and sinuous. It wasn’t long before the new appendage was long enough to reach my eager, thirsty mouth and I obliged it accordingly. It was even shorter before it started blasting, filling my mouth with hot load after delicious hot load.

“Mmm, yeah,” the demon said, watching eagerly as I defiled myself. “That is so hot! Let me tell you, that never gets old!”

I mumbled an acknowledgement. Really more of an attempt at “glad to hear it”, but my mouth was full.

“Anything else?” he asked.

It suddenly occurred to me that: yes, there was! I grabbed hold of his ass and shoved him deeper into me; he said something along the lines of “easy, tiger” but I just kept milking him as I filled out my form with thick muscle. I spat out my cock, now spraying into the open air, as I let my hams and quads and glutes and abs and lats and pecs and delts and bis and tris and all the rest swell up with power. I made everything taller and longer too, almost half again bigger than my demon. And all the while, my hair and beard grew thicker, my skin grew shinier and my voice grew deeper and deeper. No more was I the scrawny little thing my boyfriend dumped and my bullies beat. I was an alpha demon!

I was panting by the time I was sated, but I wasn’t done yet. I pulled off my demon and turned us around. “All right, sweetheart,” I growled. “I think it’s time I returned the favor, don’t you?”

He licked his lips in eager anticipation.

We flipped several times after that, and each time the bottom got half again as big as the top—at least. I wasn’t sure how big the cavern was, but by the end of it we had no choice but to sit around the fire, our legs straddling it.

I picked up my shirt, it was barely big enough to fit over my hand! “Man, I’m huge!” I boomed. “Do you think we got carried away?”

“No such thing,” the demon reassured me. “But if you feel the need to be smaller, you can shrink down to however small you want to be—although it might take a bit of practice. In fact, the only thing you have no control over is your maximum size. That’s a function of raw power.”

“And therefore how much demon cock I take.”

“Now you’re gettin’ it!”

“But other than size and color and …pointiness,” I flexed my claws for effect, “what else can I change?”

“Who says you have to limit yourself to the basic body plan?” he said. And then his chest started growing taller, his pecs doubled, and out sprouted two extra arms, right beneath his originals. “I can do legs too, if you want.”

“Yes, please!” I practically begged.

He grinned ferociously as his ass widened and grew a new cheek in the middle, which in turn sprouted a whole new leg. His new foot was as long and slender as the others, but bore seven toes, the big one in the middle. And then there was the extra cock—of course there was the extra cock!—which together with the original straddled his new leg.

“Ah, much better,” he sighed. “I find I can usually get better results if I pare down, but it’s always a treat to get back into my proper form. Hold on…” He scrubbed his hands over his face and revealed his true one. Three eyes with the middle one slightly above the other two, a nose with two bridges and three nostrils, and two mouths, one atop the other. He also took the opportunity to change his hair color to a riotous rainbow; I had a feeling I’d created a trend. With his face proper done, he tweaked his ears into two pairs—again, one atop the other.

“That’s… a look,” I said. “Not a bad one, an interesting one.”

He grinned with both mouths. “They all are,” he promised. “Just wait till you meet the rest of us.”

“How many of us are there?” I asked.

“Millions!” He said. “Not as many as there could be, mind you, but plenty. Very few souls go to heaven these days—part of why God’s getting so frantic. And we’ve been juicing each other up since the Middle Ages, so our numbers have only been increasing since. And good on you for catching on so quick. Usually it takes a few days for a sinner to count himself a demon.”

“Yeah, well, I made an active decision,” I said. “Not that I had much of a choice.”

The temperature dropped a few degrees, probably because of how I killed the mood.

The other demon noticed. “Hey, look, it’s all right. We wouldn’t have picked you if we weren’t confident you would have said yes.”

“You didn’t have anything to do with that floozy, did you?”

“Hell no!” he said, practically shouted. “We can’t operate like that. Your ex picked up that floozy and cheated on you all on his own.”

“He what!?”

A small “oops” was my fuckmate’s only reply.

“I can’t believe it! How long?” I demanded.

“Three months. But they flirted for a year.”

“I am going to kill him!”

“You do realize that he’s guaranteed to come down here if you do that, right?”

“Which will make it that much easier for me to do what I really want with him!”

“C’mon, bud, no, we’ve put that sort of thinking behind us centuries ago. Besides, it’s better if we get him down here alive.”

That reminded me. “Why do you need living souls?”

“Because according to the deal we’ve worked out, the living we capture can be returned. The point is to whip you lot into shape. We never said what shape we’d be whipping you into.”

“I see,” I said. “So how did you learn enough to find me?”

“Dreams,” he said. “When a person sleeps, their soul starts wandering the dream realm, the liminal space between life and death. We, being demons, can venture into the dream realm at will. We’d been keeping an eye on you for the past several years now, which is how we knew you’d be the best first pick.”

“But you said it had been a week since you got the go-ahead?” I asked.

“That’s how long it takes to get here from there.”

“Ah. Is that how long it’s gonna take me to get back?”

“Longer actually. Going down is always faster than going up.”

“Of course. And once I’ve been put in place as a sleeper agent?”

“Clever boy,” my demon said. “It’ll be that much easier for you to keep tabs on our potential recruits. Make sure they’re suitable, keep them from doing anything actually heinous—like rape and murder—tell us where they’ll be so we can capture and convert them. And the best part is, you’ll be on that side of the dream barrier, so you can do things we can’t!”

“Such as?”

“Actually transfer soul power, for one. Although I’d advise against it.”

“Gotta keep the sky wizard in the dark?”

“Natch,” he replied. “And that’s a good one.”

“Anything else?”

“You’ll be much better at temptation than we can ever hope to be. Your suggestions will bear a lot more weight, and you can actually be the floozy!” His humor suddenly shifted. “Uh, if that’s how you roll.”

I frowned. “Just tell me what I have to do before I’m ready to return.”

“Well, the first step is to meet the fam.”

‘The fam’ was amazing. In addition to the behemoth who collected and converted me, there was a deceptively small imp who was all arms—eight of them, in fact—a demon whose cock and balls were on his face and whose mouth and nose were on his crotch, a cocktopus with eight long cocks supporting a head and nothing else, what seemed to be a puddle of living cum, and a giant dick with a human—well, demon—head for a glans.

All of them had horns and fangs and claws (those that had heads or mouths or hands to wear them) and all of them were vibrantly colored. The behemoth and the imp were both red, the face-cock crotch-mouth was green, the cocktopus was orange and the giant dick was black. The ooze, of course, was white.

The imp, who had climbed up onto the behemoth’s upper right shoulder, was the first to speak up. “A little boring, but he’s a newbie. How was he?”

“Voracious,” the behemoth answered. “For both sex and knowledge.”

“You’ll fit right in,” the cocktopus said, clambering around me to get a better look at all the goods. “See anything you like?”

“Well, I can’t say no to that big black dick over there,” I said.

The whole group laughed.

“Wanna go for a ride?” the giant dick said.

“Yes please!”

But before I could stuff my ass with demon cock, another demon showed up. He was small—bigger than the imp, but not by much—and he also had normal human coloring; he looked to have been some sort of Mediterranean in life. His hair was a vibrant, iridescent black and he wore a long, shimmering blue tunic that covered his entire form, which was strange considering all the nudity. Especially since his standard issue demon cock was peeking out from the bottom hem. His claws and horns, which stood up straight from his scalp like the prongs of a cattle prod, were as blue as his tunic.

“As fun as that would be,” the twinky little thing said, “we have work to do. Raw power is nothing without the proper training.”

“Sorry sir,” the others said, and retreated.

“Hello, young man,” the newcomer said. “I am Twinkubus, and I will be your teacher. The demons around you are my family, all former students. Now, I know you have a monogamous bent, so let me just say up front that this is a polycule, and an open one at that. My men can fuck whomever they choose, so long as they tell me about it or they are a member of the polycule. Currently, you have a probationary position among us, and when your training is over you may freely choose to stay in or leave. Does this sound reasonable?”

“Thank you for being honest,” I said. “And yes, it sounds wonderful.”

“Excellent!” Twinkubus said. “Let’s begin!” And then his tunic unfurled and turned into a huge pair of demonic wings, leaving the boss twink himself completely nude.

“You know, I was wondering,” I commented.

“They all do,” he said, smiling wickedly. “Now, first matter of business, no matter what Hemoth said, fucking is not the only way to transfer power. It’s just his preferred method. All that is required is physical contact between the two souls.” He flapped his huge wings and was suddenly hanging off my neck. “For instance, a kiss will suffice.”

We kissed, his long snakelike tongue fondling my own still human tongue. It was burning with passion and power, and how could I do anything but accept? I also returned the favor, because that was the gentledemonly thing to do.

When he broke the kiss after several long, steamy minutes, he observed that I was “a quick study” and would “fit in nicely”.

After Twinkubus’s first lessons—no, I’m not gonna tell you what I learned, a demon needs some mystery about him—I was passed around the fam.

The first to get his eight little red hands on me was Impley, the little red imp. On closer inspection, it became apparent that his eight arms were actually four arms and four arm-like legs. What gave it away was the fact that he had two asses, one atop the other, with the crotches—and cocks—to go with them. He also had a face—three eyes, two mouths, four ears and one-and-a-half noses—much like Hemoth, although it was definitely more effete and had a much smaller, more groomed beard. And there was a golden band on one of his horns, which were also a lot like Hemoth’s.

“So tell me, kiddo,” he said, “what’s your name?”

I started to tell him, but he put a claw to my lips in a shushing motion.

“Not your human name, your demon name.”

“Oh.” I thought for a bit. “I’m not sure yet.”

“Kiddo it is, at least for now. If you have any trouble, talk to the crotch-mouth. He’s great at coming up with them.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyway, my name is Impley,” he told me, “and my husband over there is Hemoth.” He pointed to the behemoth who converted me.

“Husband!?” I cried.

“What, demons can’t get married?”

“Well, I guess, but he never said anything of the sort.”

“And he and I will be discussing that shortly, but right now I need to clear things up with you: We’re a package deal. You want to have one of us, you need to take both of us.”

“Then why didn’t both of you collect me together?”

“Officially, Twinkubus is the one who collected you,” Impley said. “He’s the one who had been monitoring you.”

“I see. So why didn’t he do it?”

“You’re not into twinks,” Impley said. He looked down at my wagging manhood. “Or at least, you weren’t. Reminded you too much of the body you hated, he said.”

“Well, the crotch-mouth is a hunk,” I said. “And I’m sure the dick is too.”

“But Hemoth and I are the only ones willing to pare down, as it were, and we weren’t sure if you would be amenable to a threesome.”

I thought it over. “Probably not,” I answered honestly.

“Thank you for being honest,” Impley said. “So we hammered out a compromise: He’d get first crack, then it would be my turn.”

I smiled, wide and sharp. “I can get behind that.”

Impley grinned back, wider and sharper and twice over. “I’ll have you know I can drive Hemoth delirious with just my mouths on his.”

We kissed. It was Hell! And I mean that in the good way, obviously. Impley wasn’t kidding: His lips and tongue and even teeth were magic on mine. I came at least twice, maybe three times, and he never left my mouth. His hands weren’t even doing anything! Thank Hell for small miracles.

When he finally finished, I was sat on my ass, panting and sweating profusely. Impley, the little bastard, hadn’t even broken a sweat, and had two delicious little smirks on his face. Hemoth was scowling behind him.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he?” Impley asked.

I could only nod.

The imp turned to his behemoth. “You should have thought of that before you ‘forgot’ to mention you were married.”

Hemoth started to protest, but stopped himself. He was probably gonna say something stupid like “I didn’t forget.”

“Why aren’t you wearing a ring?” I asked, because I’m a little shit, apparently. They both looked at me oddly. “I mean, Impley is,” I said by way of explanation; “why aren’t you?”

“Only one party to a marriage wears a ring,” Impley said. “I was his lieutenant in life, so I’m his wife in death.”

I blinked. “How old are you?”

“Dante had just died when we were called off to war,” Hemoth said. “We died in the battle, and spent a long while in a loop together.”

“Let me tell you, it was nothing like Dante described,” Impley cut in. “We lived through our last battle over and over again, dying in each other’s arms countless times.”

“It was Hell,” Hemoth said. “And not in the good way. But at least we had each other.”

“Eventually, we figured out we could control the loop, and started properly enjoying our confinement,” Impley continued. “It was then we discovered the true nature of the soul.”

“Wait, that was you?” I said, shocked.

“Oh, I’m sure other couples made the discovery,” Hemoth shrugged. “It’s just that we were the first to be an open couple. When Twinkubus found us, we enthusiastically agreed to a threesome.”

“He almost exploded from the power we gave him,” Impley smirked. “That was when the secret got out.”

“That consent was key,” I said.

“Ding ding ding, give the man a prize,” Hemoth replied.

I laughed.

“In any case,” Impley continued, “Twinkubus offered us an education in demonhood, we introduced him to the concept of family, and then the lot of us started spreading the gospel of consent.”

“The rest, as they say, is history,” Hemoth added.

“Did Twinkubus officiate the wedding?” I asked.

“Of course,” Impley answered. “Who else?”

“Not the sky wizard or any of his lackeys, that’s for sure,” Hemoth added.

“So, why aren’t you wearing a ring?”

They both sighed. “The man of the marriage doesn’t wear a ring,” Hemoth answered. “We both agreed I was the man.”

“But, he does,” I insisted. “At least, now he does.”

The imp and his behemoth thought this over. “You know,” Hemoth said, picking up his imp, “I’ve always hated that I don’t have a token of your affection.”

Impley grinned. “Hemoth, my beloved, do you take this imp as your lawful wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“Then you may kiss the imp.”

They kissed, soft and sweet. A golden band appeared on Hemoth’s horn, a perfect mirror to Impley’s, while Impley’s hair turned into a riotous rainbow. I had definitely started a trend.

They turned to look at me. Then they looked at each other. They had one of those silent conversations couples are known for and turned back to me. “You are, of course, cordially invited to the honeymoon,” Impley said.

They didn’t have to tell me twice!

The threesome was amazing. Hands and legs and cocks and mouths and everything everywhere all at once! I’d never be able to do it justice, but I can say it converted me to the gospel of extras. Hemoth was plowing me and I was plowing Impley when my chest and arms doubled, almost of their own accord. All three of us noticed immediately.

“Me likey,” the behemoth and the imp both said, licking their lips lasciviously and stroking my new additions hungrily.

I could feel more energy coursing through my body, concentrated in my legs and ass and glorious cock. “Oh yeah?” I challenged. “Watch this!” I let the power surge through me, doubling my lower assets completely. I now had two pairs of strong, sturdy legs, two taut, round asses and two glorious yard-long cocks!

I of course obliged my fuckmates immediately, swallowing Hemoth’s spare cock and plowing Impley’s spare ass. Their eyes rolled over to the backs of their heads and the moans they released! I swear, they could hear us on the surface!

Needless to say, they both came. I was absolutely coated in Impley’s cum and bloated with Hemoth’s. Both feelings together brought me right over the edge, and I was gushing for an hour at least.

When I finally came down from the high, the behemoth and his imp were kissing each other sweetly and dragging gentle claws all over my body, electrifying every nerve. It was nice, and kind, and just the right kind of sappy. I sighed in contentment at the gentle romance of it all.

They noticed, and turned to smile at me, all four of their mouths and all six of their eyes showing a gentle, playful mirth. I giggled, then dove in for a three-way kiss.

I let them have their upper mouths to themselves, and tickle my nose with them if they so desired, but their lower mouths were mine for the taking, and I obliged them handily. My own mouth widened and my tongue split in half, one going into Hemoth’s mouth, the other into Impley’s. What started out sweet and romantic soon got sordid and raunchy all over again as the two of them pulled my tongues deeper into their mouths and sucked them down their throats.

For my part, my tongues got harder and longer and harder still until it became very apparent to all three of us that my tongues were now two more glorious, yard-long cocks. With that realization, I came again, from all four of my new cocks.

Filled with my cum, both the imp and his behemoth pulled off my tongues and sat back to see what I would do next. My twin tongue-cocks hung limply from my lips and draped over my chest, refusing to return to their rightful place, obviously spent. I loved it, but it would get old soon.

“Hemoth, Impley,” I lisped, “be a couple of dears and massage my throat so my tongues will roll back up.”

They obliged, and cuddled up to me, and we all drifted off to sleep.

“There you are!” the crotch-mouth said, rudely awakening us. “I’ve been looking all over for you! Shame on you two lovebirds for hogging the new kid!”

“Shoo, fly, you bother me,” Hemoth moaned.

“Don’t be like that,” the crotch-mouth said. “You know I can take you. Besides, the boss wants to see ya.”

“Just because you’re a power bottom who loves taking orders,” Impley said, begrudgingly extricating himself from the cuddle puddle, “doesn’t mean we are. Stop calling him that.”

The crotch-mouth blew a raspberry. “Just get out of here, the new kid and I have gotta think up a name for him.”

“And you’re going to help him?” Hemoth asked.

“Be nice,” his imp said. “He’s actually very good at coming up with names. Too good for his own good.”

His behemoth huffed, and the two of them left to see what Twinkubus wanted with them.

Now that we were alone, I took the time to properly appreciate the face-cock, crotch-mouth hunk before me. He was, as previously stated, green—although it was closer to teal than chartreuse now; I learned later that he cycled through the color wheel continuously—with cute little horns growing from his forehead. I also saw that he had already changed his hair—head, beard and pubes—to a riotous rainbow. And his horns and claws for good measure.

What really drew the eye, of course, was that his cock and balls had switched places with his nose and mouth, while everything else was where it was supposed to be. Even his pubes and beard were in the proper locations! He was also constantly sniffing and lapping at his own crotch, which was trivially easy given where his nose and mouth were. His cock was always a little stiff and constantly leaking pre, which—since it was a standard-issue demon cock and therefore reached—soaked into his pubes, no doubt enhancing his blissful, musky existence.

“You don’t have a name?” I asked.

“I’m always coming up with something new,” he said, a little defeated. “It’s never perfect for me, but it’s often perfect for others. But enough about me! Favorite color?”

“You have to ask?” I said, gesturing over my body.

“No, but what do you call it?”

“Violet, a bluish shade of purple.”

“Good, good,” the nameless namer said. “Orientation?”

“So gay.”

“What kind?”

“Uh vers, hunk, proud, what do you want?”

“Any of that will do. Anything else?”

“Anal’s nice, especially with those two, but I prefer oral.”

“Yeah, me too,” the face-cock crotch-mouth said.

“No, really?”

“Oh hush. Any kinks?” He looked over my recent acquisitions. “Besides the obvious.”

“Do these count?” I stuck my newest acquisitions out of my mouth.

“Definitely,” he said, mesmerized.

At this point, we got a little distracted as he walked toward me and thrust his face-cock in my face and started mouthing my cocks with his crotch-mouth. I obliged him whole-heartedly, and it was at least an hour of enthusiastic kissing, sucking, frotting and cumming until we could focus again.

“Ahem,” he said, licking his lips and tonguing his cock. “I think I’ve got it. How does Doubloon sound?”

“Doubloon?”

“You’ve doubled a lot of stuff, you’re big and you’re violet.”

“But doubloons are gold coins?”

“Issued by the Crown of Spain, and violet is a royal color.”

“Oh.” I thought it over. The more I did, the more I liked it. It was almost perfect, and I knew just how to make it completely perfect. I looked over my claws—fingers, toes and cocks—and smiled as they plated over with gold. “Perfect,” I announced.

“Glad I could help!”

“I feel like celebrating,” I said, grinning wide and sharp.

“Anything I can help with?” the crotch-mouth asked.

There was.

“Yo, cock-sniffer!” It was apparently the cocktopus’s turn to interrupt; “Twinkubus wants to see you.”

Fortunately, we had already completed three rounds of celebration and were slowly but not-at-all surely gearing up for a fourth, so I let the crotch-mouth go.

“I’m Cock Ock,” the cocktopus said, extending one of his cocks.

I shook it. “Doubloon,” I told him.

“The nameless namer strikes again!” Cock Ock said. “Love the look, by the way.”

“Thanks, same to you.”

He was no longer orange—specifically the reddish-brown orange that’s always associated with octopuses for some reason—but a shimmering gold with dozens of opalescent, almost fluorescent rings, each a different color of the rainbow. His cock-claws were also brightly colored to match the rings, but his close-cropped hair continued the gold-with-rainbow-rings motif. His horns pointed out and back from behind his ears, and were also gold-with-rainbow-rings, with the tips colored like his claws.

“Thanks, I modeled it off a blue ring octopus. The rainbow hair is nice, but I couldn’t help but put my own spin on it.”

“I take it you’re a fan of octopi,” I said.

“Octopodes,” he corrected. “But I’ll also accept octopuses. The word is Greek, and naturalized anyway.”

Right, one of those nerds. “Favorite supervillain?” I asked.

“Doc Ock, of course.”

“Saw that comin’ a mile away.”

He stuck out his tongue, which was surprisingly human, but continued our banter.

We ended up talking about a lot of nerd stuff and I told him about all the stuff he missed since his death. Poor guy had missed both home computers and anime. And tentacle porn, but I didn’t want to crush his spirits anymore than I already had. Suffice to say, I was gonna have to find a way to bring some stuff back with me. Which reminded me:

“Where’s my stuff?” I asked.

“Your clothes are still in the cavern you woke up in. Why?”

“Come with me,” I said, extending an arm for him to climb if he so chose; he did. “I need to check on something. And hopefully show it to you.”

“Okay.”

My pants had a busted crotch from their hasty removal, but the pockets were intact. At least, before I got my claws into them.

“Wallet, keys, phone!” I pulled it out and turned it on. Thank god I had sharp pointed claws, or I never would have been able to type the code in. “No signal. Well, duh, I’m a week underground, and in a different dimension besides.”

“That’s a phone?” Cock Ock asked.

“A cell phone. Hedy Lamarr invented them.”

“Really?”

“Well, the concept at least. Point is, you can make a phone call without a wire. Originally, it was over radio, but then it got its own dedicated network of towers. And then the devices became supercomputers.”

“That thing is tiny!”

“That’s the power of human ingenuity.” I scrolled through my downloaded stuff. “You remember Tetris?”

“Who doesn’t?”

“I’ve got Tetris on this thing, and plenty of other games on here too, new and old.”

He wrapped his cocks around the proffered device and soon the familiar russian chiptune ditty filled the cavern.

“I think my work here is done,” I said, and made to leave.

Cock Ock wrapped a spare cock around my ankle. “Oh no you don’t,” he said, not taking his eyes off his game. “I haven’t thanked you yet. And I can multitask. Did I tell you I got my five highest scores on this game while fucking my best friend?”

“Really?”

“He’s not here right now, so you’ll have to do.” He gave me a quick glance. “Not that I’m complaining.” He heaved himself over and plopped himself onto my chest. “Ass or mouth? I’m not picky.”

I sucked three of his cocks into my extra-wide, double cock-tongued mouth, lay down on the mattress, and set to work.

Needless to say, he topped his high score. Twice.

“Where’s your friend?” I asked.

“Still alive, as far as I know.”

“Oh.”

“I really do miss him,” the cocktopus said. “I really hope he didn’t change too much in my absence.” He sighed contemplatively. “I mean, it’s fine if he got married,” he added. “We were best friends, not boyfriends, and it was kind of the done thing in our day. I had a fiancee all lined up and everything.”

“What happened?”

“Jellyfish sting. I drowned. Not fun. It took me a few times around the loop to get past the pain and really enjoy myself.”

“Hence, cocktopus.”

“I do go back to my loop every now and again to enjoy a good swim,” he admitted. “Have to avoid the jellyfish, but I’m pretty good about that these days. I can’t have sex though. Knowing it’s not him takes all the fun out of it.”

“What was he like?”

“He loved Spiderman.”

“Let me guess: you guys had hero-villain roleplay?”

“Oh, yes. We even made our own costumes. Retrofitted from old Halloween costumes, but still.”

And there was another thing he missed out on: cosplay conventions. I was gonna have to track down that friend of his.

“What’s his name?” I asked.

“I’m not gonna tell you that!” the cocktopus said.

“What’s he look like, then?”

He glared at me.

“I promise I won’t ask him for his name,” I said.

And then he softened, and started talking.

It was a few hours of blissful reminiscence on his part before the next guy had his turn.

“Ahem,” the ooze said.

“Gah!” I cried. “You can talk?”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“I mean…”

“Let me guess,” Cock Ock cut in, “Twinkubus needs to talk to me?”

“You’ve got it!”

“Be nice to him, Cumpool, he’s still new.”

“When am I not nice?”

Cock Ock rolled his eyes and clambered off to talk to the over-twink.

I was left alone with the living puddle of spooge. Well, he wasn’t really a puddle. More of a pile. A mound. A heap. There was no mistaking him for anything but semen, though.

I blinked. He blinked back. I’m not sure how a slime can blink, but he did.

“So,” he said. “You gonna ask?”

“Not really,” I said. “You’d be surprised how freaky porn can get these days. This is pretty mild in comparison.”

“Thank Hell!” Cumpool said. “Everyone always asks why I would do this to myself. Even Twinkubus! Oh sure, a giant dick is just fine, and an octopus with cocks for tentacles, and a guy with his mouth in his crotch and his cock on his face, but a pool of cum? How strange! How queer! How disgusting!”

“Not gonna lie, it is a bit off-putting, but you do you.”

“Off-putting how?”

“How do you get off?” I asked.

He grinned. I’m not sure how an ooze can grin, but he did. “May I show you?”

“Sure, I guess.”

Cumpool slid up to me surprisingly quickly, and soon started worming his way up my cocks. Surprised, my cock-tongues sprang out of my mouth and he started in on those too. As he did so, my balls started swelling up, including the hidden ones I didn’t know I had in my throat. Within seconds, the living pool of cum was completely inside me, churning in my engorged balls.

Slightly off balance, I sat down hard on both my asses and just lay there, helpless as six maelstroms swirled in my balls. And then it was over. Cumpool was splattered all around the room, as obviously spent as I was, and I just lay there as Cumpool slowly coalesced over the next few hours.

“That’s how,” he panted.

I’m not sure how a goo can pant, but he did.

“Had some fun, I see,” Dickard said.

“Twinkubus wants to see him?” I asked.

“No, I do. Twinkubus got me a hot date and I need a hot load.”

“And you thought of me?” Cumpool said. “How nice.” The ooze pulled himself together, slithered down the giant cock’s throat and landed in his balls with a splash. “Who’s it with?” he asked from inside, slightly muffled.

“Soixante-Neuf.”

“Bien.”

I snickered. Some memes really are universal.

“Anyway, I’m Dickard,” the big black dick said. “I’d shake hands but, you know, don’t have any.”

“Doubloon,” I said.

“Yeah, the face-cock told me. Good choice.”

“Did he name you too?”

“He actually came up with the much more subtle Richard, but I thought, ‘I’m a giant dick, who needs subtle?’”

“How true,” I commented. And was he giant! Almost as tall as me, not counting the horns. Those horns protruded from his temples and were long, and thick, and curved, and joined at the tips, and had a metallic gleam. Really, the way they lay against his head was reminiscent more of a Prince Albert than of a demon’s horns, and a later play session confirmed that they rotated freely.

His head and beard were shaved, but his base had a bush of pubic hair that had, once again, become a riotous rainbow. There were also a few wisps of hair around his balls—the size of yoga balls at least—that were picked out by the color contrast. His neck had a ruff of foreskin around it, and his veins were traced out in chocolate brown, in contrast to the deep ebon black of the rest of his skin.

“Tell me, do you shrink to fit your fuck mates, or do your fuck mates grow to fit you?”

“Neither, really,” Dickard said. “I stretch them out over me. My pre/spit/lube makes demon flesh very malleable, almost rubbery.”

My cocks twitched.

“When is this hot date?” I asked.

“Not for a few hours,” Dickard said. “Why?”

“Really, Dickard?” Cumpool said. “I can smell his want from in here. And I can’t smell!”

“Ohhhhh!” Dickard looked me over. His eyes glazed. “Bend over,” he said.

I obliged, and then he bent over and started lapping at my lower hole. I could feel the pre/spit/lube start working, my flesh tingling, my ass softening. I squirmed into it, and he actually backed off.

“You’re a first timer,” he explained. “You need to know what to expect before you rush into this. Stay still, let me lead, and we can do this, got it?”

“Yes sir,” I said.

Dickard resumed. My ass felt amazing and he wasn’t even inside me yet! He lapped at my hole for what seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes. And normally a rimjob would be nothing but off-putting to me, but I barely even thought about what the anus was meant for that time. Probably because I haven’t needed to use it for that function since I fell. That and the fact that Dickard was, in fact, a cock.

Anyway, Dickard was soon nuzzling into me properly, and suddenly my ass was sucking at his chin and nose. I moaned in ecstasy, and Dickard went even deeper. My ass swallowed his head whole, and soon his foreskin was tickling my ass. I could feel his head in my guts, and caressed him through my skin. He moaned appreciatively, and I moaned at the electrifying vibrations that coursed through me.

He kept pushing as I held firm. The ring of his horns jostled suddenly, and another wave of pleasure coursed through me. Soon his head was up to my second crotch, and still he pushed on. I looked back and saw that he was about to lift off the ground, so I kneeled heavily, and his balls dropped over my feet. He grunted inside me, frying my nerves again, but pushed on. He was up to my abs now, and starting to squish my lungs out of the way.

I took a deep breath and waited for him to squeeze onward, and luckily, he did. He filled both my chests in quick succession, and then he was sticking his tongue up my throat. His pre/spit/lube welled up in my mouth, and then I felt a familiar maelstrom churning in his balls, banging against my ass.

“Do it!” I begged, drowning in pre. “Please!”

And so Dickard came, splattering Cumpool over the cavern once again.

“Whoa” was all I could say.

We stayed that way for an hour or two, just basking in the afterglow, before Dickard started pulling out and Cumpool slid back into his balls.

“Thanks,” I said dumbly.

“Anytime,” he said.

He was gone for several minutes before I thought to say, “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

In any case, my lessons continued in much the same vein. Twinkubus would teach me how to be a demon, and when I couldn’t think straight—as if I ever did—from boredom, he released me to his fam and I got passed around. Dickard and Cumpool were the most exhilarating, Hemoth and Impley were the most endearing, and Cock Ock was the most enticing, but my favorite was the face-cock crotch-mouth. He really knew how to please a cock.

Soon, though, I was ready to return to the land of the living. My captors had, of course, thought this through. Instead of returning to a five-alarm fire of everyone thinking I was dead or worse, everyone who would have reported me missing had a very convincing dream I had gone to Australia to mope. So after a week of falling, a year of training and a month of climbing, I returned to a life that was really much the same as I had left it.

I had to pare down to fit in, but thanks to the “gone to Australia” excuse, I could afford to keep some of my gains visible. It was definitely a revenge bod. And when I talked to my ex, I would make sure he knew it!

My first stop was, of course, my ex. Before the break up we had discussed moving in together, and he never actually rescinded his offer, so I decided to take him up on it.

His apartment didn’t have a doorman or a buzzer, so I got to see the look on his face when he found me on his doorstop.

It was utter disbelief. He definitely noticed the revenge bod. “Is that you?”

“In the flesh!” I replied. “Hey, so, I kinda got evicted before I left. Mind if I crash here while I look for a new place?”

All he could do was gape like a fish. Then the floozy showed up. I still can’t believe they were still together. He hugged my ex possessively from behind and started subtly necking him.

“Can’t you live with your parents?” my ex asked.

“You know why I can’t, sweetheart,” I replied.

He blushed profusely. His floozy glared at me. I smiled, flashing my still sharpened teeth, and then started my spiel. “Look, I did a lot of soul searching down under, and I forgive you. I mean, it’s not like you were cheating on me.” My ex froze for a split second, but he quickly regained his composure. I let him think I didn’t notice—and to be fair, if I didn’t know he had, I probably wouldn’t have—and continued. “I know it’s over between us, and wish you two all the best. And really, it won’t be that long. I’ve got several job prospects lined up, and several new places. If all goes well, and I see no reason why it shouldn’t, I should be out of your hair in a week, tops!”

My ex bit his lip. “Well, what’s the harm?”

“Excuse us for a minute?” His floozy said, and tried to drag his conquest back.

My ex stood his ground. Good for him! “No seriously, what’s the harm? He said it’s over between us. And he wished us the best!”

“Oh please,” the floozy whispered. Probably so I wouldn’t hear. It didn’t work. “He obviously wants to get back in your pants.”

“I’m not going to cheat on you!” my ex said.

“What, like you didn’t cheat on him?” the floozy shot back. It landed.

“Oh come now,” I cut in. “How could he? I mean, sure, I didn’t watch him like a hawk and obsess over his innocent friendships with other guys, or even women, but that’s because I had this little thing called trust.”

“Why would you need to monitor his relationships with women?”

My ex paled.

I barreled on, apparently oblivious. “Oh, didn’t he tell you? He’s—” And I caught myself, but the damage was done. “Oh dear, that’s not my secret to tell.”

“You’re bi?” the floozy said, almost growled. “Why didn’t you tell me!”

“Probably because you do watch him like a hawk and obsess over his innocent friendships,” I said. I was really putting the squeeze on my ex, between the rock that was me and the hard place that was his floozy.

“Get out,” my ex said, barely a whisper.

The floozy smiled. I played along and pouted.

“No, not you,” my ex said, with more confidence this time. He extricated himself from the floozy and turned to face him. “Get. Out!”

The floozy was shocked, I was gleeful.

“But why?”

“You don’t trust me!” my ex shouted. “You go with me everywhere, I have no male friends anymore, you don’t let me have any fun! He,” and he thrust his thumb over his shoulder at me, “trusted me, and yeah, it might have been misplaced, but at least I had a life! GET OUT!”

“But—”

“You heard the man,” I said. “This is his place, you have no right to stay if he doesn’t want you.”

He scowled, grumbled, and stomped past me. He mumbled something about how he should have insisted on “the other way around”, and boy am I glad he didn’t.

My ex sighed. “Stay as long as you want,” he told me. “When you get a job, you start paying rent. Deal?”

“Deal.”

“I’m gonna go clear out his things and leave them outside the door, okay?”

“Fine by me. Guest room okay?”

“You know where it is.”

Phase one in getting back at my ex, complete! And I actually helped him, too.

That night, I dreamed. And it was a lucid dream. Twinkubus’s training had paid off! Because of my proximity to my ex, I found him instantly. He was dreaming a very sexy dream about himself and that floozy he just dumped—old habits die hard, I guess—but something about where it was happening looked familiar. Then it hit me, this was my old apartment!

“Baby, please, my boyfriend could be home any moment!”

“And what would the problem with that be?” the dream floozy said.

“He can’t find out! He’d dump me!”

“And that’s a problem because?”

“I don’t want to hurt him!”

“Too late!” I said. Or rather, the dream version of me.

“Sweetheart, please, it’s not what it looks like!”

“How could it not!” dream-me yelled. “I trusted you! I loved you! I threw away the best two years of my life with you!”

Wow, Hemoth and Impley weren’t kidding. The best demon to torment a sinner is themself.

The dream-floozy cackled. “Sucks to be a chump, I guess.”

That’s when I decided it was time to take over. I stepped into the dream avatar of me and told the dream-floozy to stuff it.

“Or what?” he said.

“Or I’ll rip you limb from limb, that’s what!”

“Oh yeah? You and what army?”

“Me and this army!” And I revealed my true form to them. The floozy, as was the nature of dreams, disappeared, as did everything around us, leaving only me, my ex, and a blank void. My ex was erect and leaking. If I’d known this did it for him, I would have done it sooner!

“My g-—”

I put a claw to his lips. “Shhhhh,” I commanded. “Speak not the bastard’s name.”

He swallowed. “What’s going on?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m gonna dream-fuck you so hard, you’ll wake up with cum in your ass, and then we’re gonna have a nice, long discussion about trust and monogamy.”

He swallowed thickly. I picked him up, my upper hands around his wrists, my lower arms around his waist, and brought his lips eagerly up to mine. My tongue-cocks slid down his throat and he almost gagged, but held strong. My two lower cocks snaked up to his ass and started poking at the hole, lining it with precum in preparation for their invasion.

He actually squirmed into it! Then he threw off my grip around his wrists and groped me properly, lacing his arms between mine. He gripped me hard, and strong, and then he started changing! His abs grew in number and length, stretching his body out long so his legs could wrap around my lower waist as his arms groped my chests and back. It had the added bonus of letting him hilt me properly, so I obliged him accordingly with two long, slowly snaking cocks up his guts.

His neck grew longer too, creeping up my tongues until he was kissing me around them and then forcing his own, increasingly long tongue down my own throat. Then his arms and legs grew longer, wrapping once, twice, thrice all around me. His cock, too, which started teasing at both my holes in turn. All my cocks exploded then, and he painted me himself shortly after.

I extricated myself from his now very long grip and looked over my now very long ex. If my tongues weren’t still hanging out to my knees, I’d have licked my lips in appreciation.

“I love what you’ve done with your hair,” I said. Much like mine, it was a riotous rainbow of hues. He’d also taken the opportunity to grow in his claws and fangs and horns—a pair of corkscrew antlers over his brow—and turn himself a deep vibrant green, one that clashed horrendously with my own violet skin.

“The skin color, not so much.”

“Well, I could say the same to you, sweetheart,” he said. “I’ve always hated violet.” Then he cast his eyes down. “I’m sorry I cheated on you,” he began.

“Oh no, we are having this discussion when you are awake and can remember it properly.”

He boggled at that. “What do you mean?”

“Suffice to say, I went somewhere much hotter and further down under than Australia, slither boy.” I retorted. “And yes, I did know you cheated on me. I wanted to see what you’d do. I had no idea that floozy was using it against you, but I’m glad he was, in the sense that it got you two to break up after, what, a year of abuse?”

“I wasn’t abused!”

“So he didn’t hit you, that’s nice. But by your own admission, he cut you off from your friends, and that’s abuse. And I know you know that.”

My ex bit his lip. “I’m sorry.”

“Apologize in the morning,” I said. And then we woke up.

We’d slept for six hours. I, of course, remembered everything, but I waited for my ex to knock on my door and begin that discussion we so desperately needed. I counted two hundred and seventy three before I heard that knock.

“Come in,” I said.

He did. He looked me over, I could see the disappointment in his eyes. “So, I had a really weird dream…”

“Where I was a big purple demon with four legs and four arms and you turned into a long, slithery snake boy?”

He blinked. He sighed. He sat on the bed. He said, “I also woke up with cum in my ass, just like you promised.”

“Yeah, well, I keep them.”

He sighed again. “I’m sorry I cheated.”

“I’m not mad that you cheated,” I said. “I’m mad that you made it cheating. That you snuck around behind my back and abused my trust, that you made me for a chump. I’m mad that you had been sleeping with that floozy for three months before you broke up with me, and flirting for a year, and didn’t even have the decency to tell me.” I sighed myself. “But mostly, I’m mad at myself that I didn’t notice and had to be told during my trip ‘down under’.”

My ex looked down in shame. “I really am sorry. I don’t know why I did any of that. I mean, I did love you, I do love you! But I also loved him, and I just didn’t want to have to choose.”

“I understand. It’s just that you’re not monogamous, but you didn’t have anyone to tell you that,” I explained. “Hell, I wouldn’t have! I didn’t know about polycules and polyfidelity or any of that stuff, and I probably would have demanded a choice, or at least a reversion to friends-with-benefits.”

He looked up, startled. “What do you mean friends-with-benefits?”

“Sex does not a relationship make,” I said. “I never believed that, and you are amazing in bed. And I have a feeling you’ll be even more amazing soon.” I placed a gingerly hand on his knee. “Care for a trip to ‘Australia’?”

Suffice to say, my ex was an eager addition to the forces of Hell and to Twinkubus’s family. His long and lithe and slithery dream form became his true form and soon enough he was slithering his way through all the demons back home one by one. Last I heard, he was a full member of Twinkubus’s family and had chosen the name Slithy Tove for himself—he was a big Lewis Carroll fan.

As for me, I had more recruits to collect and revenge to enact. The floozy deprived of his prize, I let him stew for a bit while I went after the next man on my hit list: My boss.

That ‘honest mistake’ I mentioned? I was upset over the break-up and in my grief had misplaced some important files. They were found not long after the mistake was noticed and nothing had happened to them—they were even in a secure location for the whole period they were missing!—but he still found cause to fire me. To be fair, I didn’t take it well—again, recent break-up—but I still think he shouldn’t have fired me on the spot! Personally, I think he was looking for an excuse to fire me so he could hire his nephew.

I slunk back to my former place of employment to beg for my job back. Or, at least, that’s what I made it look like. Unfortunately, there wasn’t an opening. Turnover is very low in my chosen profession, which is why my boss needed an excuse to get rid of me. My boss’s boss was very sympathetic, though.

“Look, I know what you were going through,” he said, “and it’s extremely apparent that you’ve worked through it, but my hands are tied! No one’s anywhere close to retirement and your replacement is a decent employee—nothing close to a fireable offense. Or for anyone else, either.”

I sighed. “That’s a real shame. What’s he like?” I asked all innocent-like.

“He’s a nice boy,” my boss’s boss shrugged. “I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be here and is only appeasing his uncle. Which of course makes the whole thing even worse for you.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I said, perking up. “Tell me, I am on the short list for getting rehired, right?”

“If you want the job and we have an opening, it’s yours.”

“And this replacement of mine,” I continued, a plan hatching, “what’s he like?”

He was cute. And gay. And single. Just my type.

I found his favorite bar and waited for him to arrive. He arrived with a gaggle of twinks, all of them with their hair dyed a different color of the pride flag—there was some sort of deal going on, which I of course took full advantage of—and he in particular had dyed his hair a very vibrant, obviously fake red. I bought the whole gaggle a round of drinks and waited for them to notice. It didn’t take long.

“Come here often?” the blue-haired twink asked.

“First time, actually,” I replied.

“I love your hair,” the orange-haired twink added. “How did you get it like that?”

“Come to my place and find out,” I said, with a lascivious, and sharp, grin. Orange grinned back. To my surprise, it was also very sharp. “Very nice,” I said. “Tell me, have any of you been to Australia?”

“Just me and Yellow here,” Orange replied, latching onto Yellow eagerly, “but we’re looking to complete the set.”

“Of course. Anything I can help with?”

“That depends,” Yellow said. “What’s in it for us?”

“I’d love to show you,” I said, “but I kinda have to go to the bathroom.” Then I winked, downed my drink, and sashayed off.

I counted two seconds before there was frantic knocking at the door. I let them in, and they practically pounced.

“Show us!” Yellow demanded, his skin already turning to match his hair. “Please?” he begged.

I sealed the door the way Twinkubus showed me, and then I showed the two twinks my true form.

“Oh Hell,” Orange said, “You’re huge!”

“Not as huge as I can be,” I said.

“I can tell,” Yellow said, caressing my lower right bicep. “Well, you showed us yours, time for us to show you ours.” And then Yellow started fucking Orange. By this time, the two twinks had completely converted into demons, and I thought that was the end of it, but then they really started transforming!

Orange’s abs started shrinking away, and then his chest and ass started fusing together. It wasn’t long before his legs and arms followed suit, and then his head fused into his crotch, his long demon cock fusing with his equally long demon tongue.

Yellow, meanwhile, was losing his legs, his crotch fusing and melding into his fuckmate’s ass. His ass and abs turned orange, and when it was all said and done there was only one demon standing before me. One demon with two faces: one on his head and one on his crotch.

I couldn’t help it; I came and painted them over with my cum.

“So when you say,” I panted, “you need to complete the set?”

“We mean we want to find four more twinks so we can all voltron together into the ultimate demon,” Yellow said.

“Blue and Green and Purple out there have already agreed,” Orange added, “but Red doesn’t want to disappoint his uncle.”

I grinned. “Well, you’re in luck. I want him to disappoint his uncle.”

“Well, what are the odds of that?” Yellow asked.

I explained what had happened. How my life fell apart all those months ago, how Hell swallowed me up as their first living demon—or at least one of them. How Twinkubus and his family taught me everything they knew. And how I was currently on a mission to get my job back after Red’s uncle fired me so he could give it to his nephew. Who, it seemed, never wanted the job in the first place!

“Does Red know about ‘Australia’?” I asked at the end of it all.

“Only that we’re taking the rest of our buddies there in a few days,” Orange said. “As far as he knows, it really is Australia.”

“We have had epic dream-fucks with him though,” Yellow said, “and he is an enthusiastic participant. So we know he wants to, he just needs the right push.”

“And if the guy he stole his job from were to show up and demand it back,” Orange added, “that would definitely be the right push.”

“Well, what are we waiting for?” I said. “Let’s get out there and give him a push!”

I spent the rest of the night wooing Red. I started with the cheesiest pick up lines I could think of, then started asking him about his life. It wasn’t long before I had successfully steered the conversation in the direction of employment.

“And I am so sorry I’ve been rambling on so much about how I hate my job, but my uncle just doesn’t get it. Anyway, what do you do?”

“Currently?” I said, “Unemployed. I got fired so my boss could hire his nephew. It was my dream job too. What you do, in fact.”

“What? Oh no, I’m so sorry! And here I’ve been rambling on about how much it sucks! If I could quit and give you my job I would, but my uncle was so happy when one of his employees quit. Not for the employee, of course. Or for his clients. But it meant I would finally be able to follow in his footsteps. But did he ever think to ask me if I wanted to?—”

“I’m sorry,” I cut in, “Your uncle told you his previous employee had quit?”

“Yeah, something about a messy break up and needing to find himself. The position had to be filled lickety-split, and of course I had been through all the courses needed to qualify, so of course my uncle put me on the top of the short list.”

“You sure he didn’t fire someone so you could fill in for him?”

“Heavens no, my uncle would never! Sure he’s excited for me, but he wouldn’t go so far as to screw someone else over for my sake. Or what he thinks is my sake.”

“You’d be surprised,” I muttered. Fortunately, the bar was loud and Red wasn’t paying attention. “Let’s change the subject. What are you celebrating?”

“Oh, my friends are going to Australia for the summer. Something about a ‘once in a lifetime opportunity’. They’ve been begging me to go, but—”

I seethed in silence for the rest of the night. Soon, he and I would be going back to my place and I would be showing him exactly what kind of a man his uncle was.

True to my word, we stumbled back to my apartment—really my ex’s, but he had moved out and left me everything—and soon Red and I were wrestling naked in the bedroom. The sex was pretty tame and we soon fell asleep. I immediately entered his dreams of course, and found him fantasizing about having more sex with me. I watched as his gaggle of twink friends showed up one by one and they all fused into a rainbow voltron just for dream-me.

First, Yellow and Orange fused together much like they did in the restroom, while Blue and Purple did the same thing as Red and Green watched. Then Yellow-Orange started sucking Red’s cock and turning into a double-faced assman, Yellow on the left cheek and Orange on the right. At the same time, Red’s own legs and ass shrank away and pretty soon Red and Yellow-Orange were fused together as well.

And then—and then!—Warm Colors and Cool Colors, who had fused with Green on top and Blue-Purple as the ass while I wasn’t looking, started fucking and fusing! Yellow-Orange flipped around and became the chest and arms, while Green shrank away into a crotch opposite Blue-Purple as the ass, leaving Red as the head atop it all. Green took over the abs, and Rainbow Voltron was complete.

At this point, I stepped into my place and took over the dream. “You think that’s cool,” I growled. “Watch this!” I grew into my true form. Red and all his dream-buddies watched in awe as my legs and arms and chest and ass and cock and tongue doubled in number. And then we fucked for real.

It was glorious! My cocks didn’t know where to go, so they kept switching in and out of all six mouths, and Rainbow Voltron’s six cock-tongues just wrapped themselves around me and teased all my holes, individually and together! Hell, it was good! If this was what Red could do with five figments of his imagination, imagine what the real deal could do! What they have done!

Soon, we came, and Red was spent. Dreamed out, his dream partners faded off, one by one, until only Red was left, still just a head. “You’re still here,” he murmured.

“That’s because I really am here,” I said. “And I need to show you something.”

“Oh?”

“First thing first, what do you know about Australia?”

“I’ve been dreaming about it a lot,” he murmured. “Only it’s not really Australia. It’s someplace much warmer and farther down.”

“Yes, yes. Tell me, why don’t you want to go with them?”

“Because my uncle has tried so hard to get me this job,” he said. The surroundings changed to my old workplace. “And yeah, I hate it, but it means so much to him and he means so much to me.”

“What if I told you he fired the last guy so you could have the position?” I asked.

“He’d never do that.”

“But if he did?”

“Well, that would completely change how I feel about him. And about this job.” The words were ambiguous, but the emotions were clear: His opinion would go south, fast.

“All right then, let’s go.” I picked up the little red head.

“Go where?” he asked, still a little murky with sleep.

“To your uncle’s dreams.”

With Red in my arms, I was able to get a quick bead on his uncle’s dreams and we were there in minutes. “Wait here,” I instructed. I entered the dream, paring myself all the way down to my scrawny pre-Hell form. It wasn’t long before I had steered the dream to a facsimile of the fateful afternoon.

“But boss!” I pleaded. “It was an honest mistake!”

“I don’t care!” he growled. “You’re fired!”

“But nothing happened!”

“Something could have!”

“It was misplaced in the same cabinet! The same drawer!”

“I don’t care! You’re fired!”

“You just want to get rid of me so you can hire that good-for-nothing nephew of yours!” I screamed.

He laughed. It was now or never.

“So what?” he said. “I have been busting my ass to get him here, and my boss has finally told me the only way he’d be getting a job here is if someone quit or was fired! Well, no one’s quitting. And this mistake of yours is the perfect excuse to clear out a space for my nephew.”

“You did what!” his nephew screamed. Fortunately, being in his uncle’s presence was enough to cause him to revert to his full human form—otherwise it would have taken a very weird turn from there. “You fired him? You told me he quit!”

“Of course I did!” His uncle shouted back. “Did you honestly think anyone would have quit this job?”

“Yes, because I would!”

“You wouldn’t dare! Not after everything I did for you!”

“No, you did it for you! I never wanted this job! My dad never wanted me to have this job. My mom never wanted me to have this job! Only you! Well, I quit!”

“How dare you!” My old boss stomped toward his wayward nephew, and he seemed to grow with each tremor. I grabbed his shoulder and put a stop to that nonsense immediately.

“That’s enough, boss,” I commanded, having turned into my new disguise and growing to tower over him in the meantime. He whimpered in fright; it was glorious.

“I think it’s time you let your nephew go,” I said. “And I’ll be expecting my job back in the morning.”

My boss swallowed thickly. “Of course, sir,” he said.

And with that, I snapped him awake to a cold sweat.

The next morning, I had my job back, as promised. The day after, Red and his buddies left for ‘down under’ and never came back. Red needed to process his new found hatred for his uncle, and there’s nothing better than a year long sabbatical full of fucking. Last I heard, the whole Voltron really had gone to Australia and were recruiting converts from there.

As for his uncle and my boss, I wasn’t quite done with him yet. I visited his dreams every night for a year, keeping the nightmare fresh in his mind. This, of course, caused him to treat me with fear and skittishness, though I was perfectly civil to him on the job. It got so bad that my boss’s boss noticed and called us in for a conference.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, sir,” I said. “I’m perfectly civil to him on the job.”

“And off?”

“We don’t interact outside of work,” I said. “At least, I haven’t seen him.” I turned a bland look in my boss’s direction. “You haven’t seen me, have you?”

He swallowed thickly. “Not really,” he said. “At least….” He trailed off.

“Yes?” we both prompted him.

“I’ve been having nightmares, okay!” he confessed. “And I know they don’t mean anything, but they feel so real!”

“Nightmares about what?” my boss’s boss asked.

“About him!” my boss said, pointing a wild finger at me. “He f—he keeps accusing me of firing him to make room for my nephew! And he’s there too, listening in on the whole thing, and then we get into a fight and he quits and this guy—” He pointed a wild finger at me again. “—just holds me back and says he expects his job back in the morning!”

“I see,” his boss said. “And when did you first have this dream?”

He looked down at his shoes. “The night before my nephew quit and you rehired him.”

“My, isn’t that a coincidence!” I remarked.

“Yes, quite,” my boss’s boss added. “Tell me, why did your nephew quit?”

“He didn’t tell me, sir,” my boss answered. “At least, not the waking version.”

“I see.” His boss looked over his file. “Well, seeing as you can’t work with each other, I have no choice but to change things around. And since your performance has fallen over the last year and you can only cite a ‘nightmare’ as the cause of your strain, I have no choice but to demote you.”

“But sir!”

“It’s that, or fire you.”

“Sir!”

“Not fun having the shoe on the other foot now, isn’t it?”

My soon-to-be-ex-boss sagged in shame. “No sir.”

“Good. Now, you—” My soon-to-be-just-plain-boss turned to me. “—have had an excellent performance. How do you feel about team lead?”

“Me, sir?” I said, genuinely surprised. I hadn’t even thought about buttering him up! “I’d be honored!”

“Sir!” my ex-boss cried. “You can’t do that!”

“I just did,” my new boss said. “And if you have a problem with that, you can quit now, or put in for a team transfer at the end of the quarter. And we have plenty of applicants, so there’s no shortage of feet to fill your shoes.”

And on that cheery note, he dismissed us.

Out in the hall, my newest employee scowled magnificently. I smirked, triumphant. And then I said, “You forgot the bit where I grew to tower over you.”

That stopped him up short. He looked at me, terrified, and I grinned my widest, sharpest grin at him.

After that, the dreams took a strange turn. That night, instead of firing me for the mistake, he up and said, “Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, no harm done.”

“Sir?”

“Oh come on! Isn’t this what you wanted?”

I blinked. “Honestly? Yeah. I just never expected I would get it.”

“So you’ll stop tormenting me?”

“That depends,” I said. “Are you going to be a good employee? I know you like this job.”

“I love this job!” he said. “And I’m sorry I screwed you over to give it to someone who didn’t want it. He just never told me he didn’t—”

“That’s a lie, and you know it,” I cut in. “He told you repeatedly, and you brushed him off. Why were you so adamant he have it?”

He sighed. “I don’t have any kids. Only the nephew. My dad had this job, and his dad before him. I wanted someone to carry on the legacy. I needed someone!”

“Why didn’t you adopt?”

“Oh that’s rich,” he said. “‘Why are you adopting?’ ‘Well, I want to have an heir, and I can’t get one the old fashioned way, so I thought, why not just buy one?’” He scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

“So you do have a shred of decency.”

“Lot of good that did me,” he said. “Sometimes I wish I could have kids the old-fashioned way.”

“Why can’t you?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“Really, you have to ask?” he said. “Where do you think my nephew gets it from?”

I blinked. “You mean?”

“His mother is a regular Blanche Devereaux. Complete with the gay brother.”

I blinked some more. “You hide it so well,” I remarked.

“Not really,” he said. “You just never asked. No one did. No one does.”

“No, I mean, I’ve been in your dreams for the past year,” I protested. “I have never once noticed any hint of same-sex attraction!”

“I don’t have wet-dreams,” he said. “And I haven’t been getting a lot of action lately, what with the whole ‘terrorized by my past mistakes’ thing going on.”

I blinked. “You don’t have wet dreams?”

He shook his head.

“Not once?”

“Not even during puberty.”

“Would you like one?”

He was shocked at the forward proposition. Frankly, so was I. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I mean, I’m your boss, and you were mine until today, and-—”

“Yes,” he cut in. “Yes, please.”

“Sir,” I said.

“No, you are sir.” He walked up to me and grabbed my face with both hands. “I am but your humble servant.”

I licked my lips. “This is wrong on so many levels.”

“It’s not like anyone’s going to find out,” he said. “We’re not even in the same city.”

I licked my lips and chewed my lower one. Well, when in Hell… “Give,” I commanded.

He gave.

It wasn’t long before I showed him my true form. He loved it! The kinky bastard was definitely a power bottom. Just goes to show that you never know about someone until you’ve ridden a mile in his ass.

One night, I asked him what he’d like to be.

“You know you don’t have to use your waking body here, right?” I asked. “I mean, I don’t.”

“Honestly?” he replied. “I like my body. There’s not much I’d want to change.”

“But there is something,” I countered.

“Well, yes,” he replied. Then he closed his eyes and thought real hard. “How’s this?” His hair, already graying and thinning, filled out and turned silver. Shiny, metallic silver.

“Wow,” I said. “It’s like I’m fucking my grandpa.”

He whacked me across the chest. “I’m not a fan of getting older, but I like the look, okay? At least so long as it doesn’t involve losing hair.”

I looked over his naked body. His chest and pits and pubes had also turned silver, but I also noticed a slight iridescent sheen over his legs and arms and back. I looked closer. “You sly dog,” I said, “are those scales?”

“What can I say, they are easier to clean,” he said with a grin. A very sharp grin. “Plus, I like the look.”

I booped him on the nose. “I’ll make a demon of you yet,” I said.

“What, you mean with the claws and the horns and the glorious yard-long cock?”

“No one can resist the glorious yard-long cock!”

“Except lesbians,” he said.

“Well, yeah, but that goes without saying.”

It wasn’t that much longer after that when Sterling, as he’s come to be known, finally took a vacation and a trip to Hell. When he came back he had the claws—sliver, like his hair—and the horns—two cute little things growing from his forehead, apparently the universal sign for ‘power bottom’—and the glorious yard-long cock, as well as an extra little surprise just for me: a perfectly malleable body that he let me mold however I desired.

Funny how I keep turning my enemies into allies.

Speaking of which, there was one last party who ruined my life: my old landlord. It wasn’t until after Sterling went from tormented plaything to enthusiastic playmate that I started to go after him, too. Unlike the others, he was just doing his job. Could he have been a bit nicer and let me finish the lease? Absolutely, and I’d already reported him for that. Before my descent even. But the game had changed, and I figured, why not try?

I showed up on his doorstep.

“You again,” he groused. “I already rented the place out, and I got no other vacancies.”

“Oh, no, I’ve got a place,” I assured, grinning wide and sharp.

“Then why are you here?” he asked, reasonably perplexed. “You can’t file a complaint, you never showed the first time.”

“Yeah, I know.” I waved him off. “I took a spur-of-the-moment trip down under. I was in a very dark place, and wasn’t thinking straight. You definitely should have let me finish the lease, though.”

“Well, seeing as you didn’t in the end,” the landlord countered, “the courts ruled in my favor.”

I stuck out my tongue, all petulant like.

He rolled his eyes. “Are you just here to rub your new bod in my face? Because I really don’t care.”

“Aw, you noticed!” I cooed.

“Hard not too,” he shrugged. “It’s not every day someone your age grows a foot in height.”

I grinned again, wider and sharper. “Jealous?”

He grinned back. Wide. And sharp. “Sorry, boy, I’m already taken. Have been for years.”

I blinked in surprise. “How?”

“I’m sure I’ve told you about my employers?”

“The Goddams?”

“They’ve been living demons for centuries,” my old landlord replied. “Since the days of Merlin. At least.”

I looked fearfully up at the sky.

“Oh please,” the old demon scoffed. “Of the big guy cared, he’d never have let it get so far.”

“Why’d you kick me out?” I asked. I had a feeling the answer was bigger than I imagined.

“Easy,” he replied. “We wanted you to get picked up. Your proclivities are not something we’re looking for, but you have enough heart and soul to really shake things up down there.”

“Proclivities?” I asked, offended.

“The fact that you like sex, period,” the landlord clarified, “not the fact that you like sex with men. Most Goddams are asexual, and do not approve of rape even when allo.”

“I don’t approve of rape!” I protested.

“And you are one of very few non-Goddam demons who don’t,” he countered. “Consent is key, and all that. But most demons didn’t figure that out until the Middle Ages. And even the Goddams have a contractual edge to getting consent. It’s why they don’t have sex. Sex should be an expression of love or good clean fun, not a duty to be fulfilled.”

“Well, yeah,” I said, at a loss for words.

My old landlord smiled, close-mouthed and somber. “You have a place to live?” he asked. “A job? Up here, that is.”

I nodded.

“Then my work here is done. And so’s yours. Tell Charles I said hi.”

I’m still not sure who he meant.

Having converted two of my fellow employees to the dark side—well, one and a half; I never actually shared a job with Red—I knew there was plenty of potential for so many more of them. The question was, who?

Sterling was a big help here. Having been there for close on two decades, he knew all the ins and outs of the place. Specifically, who would be amenable to a good fuckin’. We started, of course, with the rest of our team.

Chinchóna was first—they said it was a play on Wormwood; personally, I’d have gone with Fucktape. They were tall and lanky and really into trees, and so grew their hair into leaves and their horns into branches; their skin even turned into bark! Arms sprouted in odd places all over their body, and their feet grew gnarly and root like. The cherry on top, though, was their crotch: Their pubes grew into flower petals with their glorious yard-long cock as a giant stamen that spewed pollen, of all things. There was also an engorged pistil in the shape of a woman’s vulva just beneath it, but I tended to blot that out.

The reason they were first, though, was because they were pansexual, promiscuous and gender fluid. Since Sterling and I were so gay, we needed someone who could seduce the women. Suave and sensual Chinchóna fit the bill nicely, especially since they were willing to cater to our teammates’ fantasies in a way we weren’t.

After Chinchóna, and the three women they quickly converted—go ask them for the details, I’m not into that—our next convert was Polly Olliver. Super twinky and very into drag, he was easy to convert. He patterned his face with rainbow scales and grew his hair long and vibrant in an honestly-kind-of-offensive mockery of femininity—but on him, it works, especially since he changes it at least twice a day. He also grew some impressive dewclaws on his heels, almost as long as his feet and sturdy enough to walk on. And his wings! As riotous rainbow as his hair, which was honestly more garish than my own, he could fold them around himself into a thousand and one extravagant gowns. He was, and is, still a man though, with a flat chest and a standard-issue demon cock.

While Polly Olliver himself, by his own admission, wasn’t trans, he was instrumental in getting the remaining trans members on the team. Especially MacAdam, who was both into boys and wanted to be boys. He loved that we could fix him up, and went all in on the manly-man look. And while he didn’t get any extra limbs, he did opt for no less than three cocks! Three long, meaty cocks that he could twist and braid into one huge mega-cock! Oh, how many times Sterling and I have had them up our asses…

With MacAdam in hand, we soon made quick work of the rest of the workplace. There were a lot more straights among their number, almost as if our boss just funneled all the queers into one team. I’d have been offended if I thought it was intentional, but birds of a feather do flock together, and he did give us a choice of which team to join.

Which reminds me… The boss was easy. Chinchóna went in first, just to observe. To our great relief, he was into men, and definitely had a thing for me.

Then I went in to observe, and saw just how much of a thing he had!

The man was insatiable! He tore through dream-me’s ass, and then let dream-me tear through his, and then did it all over again, at least a dozen times before he got tired. His bed must have been soaked in the mornings! And then he and dream-me cuddled for the rest of the night and whispered sweet nothings into each others’ ears and traced soft fingers over each others’ bodies. I was so distracted by the sudden quiet romance of it all that he woke up before I could make my move.

The next night, I slipped into dream-me’s place as soon as he showed up and enjoyed the subsequent thorough ravishing. It was Hell! And I mean that in the good way, obviously. When we were finally tuckered out, we snuggled together and I started asking the deep questions.

“Tell me, boss,” I whispered. “What is it you want most in the world?”

“You,” he said simply. “I want you.”

“Why don’t you have me?”

“You love your job too much. I can’t ask you to quit.”

“Why don’t you quit?”

“I haven’t finished grooming my successor yet.”

“And who is your successor?”

“You, if you’ll have it.”

I blinked, startled. It all suddenly made sense. He must have wanted so badly to ask me out when I got fired, to comfort me and care for me and fuck me into oblivion. But before he could work up the nerve, I disappeared. And when I came back over a year later, I went first to my ex, then to my interview with him to get my job back.

And seeing how much I wanted it, he made do with the next best thing: he started grooming me to succeed him. That’s how I got the promotion, the extra training, the flexible hours. Why he demoted Sterling for screwing me over.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know.”

“How could you,” he said, “I never told anyone.”

I hugged him tightly. “You’ve told me now,” I said.

“Like I’ve told you every night,” he whispered mournfully.

I grinned. “Not quite, boss,” I said. “Tonight, you’ve told the real me. And if you’re willing to share, you can have me any way you please.”

“What do you mean?” my boss asked.

“I mean, I can walk through dreams,” I explained. “And I have been systematically seducing my way through the workforce. Not personally, Chinchóna did most of the hard work, and not for the sex or the thrill, although it is amazing, but you are the last one, and I will gladly be yours.”

My boss just stared at me blankly. “Chinchóna?” he asked.

I gave him their human name. Terribly gauche, I know, but he’d have recognized them anyway.

“I see,” he said. “And if it’s not for the sex or thrill, then why, exactly, did you do this?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard of my little trip to Australia,” I said, grinning widely. And then I started explaining. Years of doing this had honed my skills of telling people about my collection without alerting the G-man or his agents. By the end of it, I had revealed my true form and told him basically the whole story up to here.

“Wow,” he said. He looked over my magnificent many-limbed physique. “I like it, it suits you.”

“Thanks, sweetheart,” I said. He blushed. “I meant what I said,” I added. “If you’re willing to share, you can have as much or as little of me as you want.”

“I want all of you,” he said. “Please, let me have you!”

I grinned. His retirement party was next week, and I took his place.

It was there that I made a startling discovery.

The floozy showed up to my boss’s retirement party. His father’s retirement party.

“What’s he doing here?” I asked Sterling.

“That’s the boss’s son,” he replied.

“No, that’s the floozy who stole my boyfriend,” I shot back.

Sterling was stricken. “Oh, hell.”

“And he’s not very nice, either,” I said. “Very possessive.”

“Fuck.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Chinchóna said.

“Not the good kind!” Sterling shot back. “The boss’s son is the man who stole his boyfriend all those years ago.”

“The one who started all this?” Chinchóna asked. “I’d say that deserves a toast!”

“He’s not a nice person,” I said again. “Very possessive.”

“Oh.”

“He-cut-off-my-ex-from-his-friends-for-over-a-year possessive.”

“Oh.”

“Let’s hope he got that from his mother,” Sterling said.

“Now that you mention it…” Chinchóna began.

I groaned in disgust. “That’s it, one of you is going down with him. Twinkubus needs to be warned about the danger.”

“What danger?” Chinchóna asked.

“The boss knows my human name,” I began. “He knows all of our names. And there are spells that can bind a demon to your will, but they need their human name to work. And Twinkubus knows all of them, keeps them in a little book he keeps in his library. Very well locked, of course, and I’m sure he could handle whatever the boss tries to throw at him, but Twinkubus likes to brag about that book, and I don’t want the boss getting any ideas.”

“No we do not,” Sterling said. “Hold on, let me call in a favor.”

“Remember, no voicemail,” Chinchóna said. “Leave a text message instead.”

“Just because I’m old doesn’t mean I’m not hip!”

“Anyone who uses ‘hip’ isn’t hip.”

“Guys, focus here,” I cut in. “I’m gonna run interference.”

I separated from the old man and the tree and made a beeline for my boss.

“Hey, boss, quite some shindig, eh?”

“You did very well,” he said. He touched me lovingly. It took all I could not to flinch.

Then the floozy came up.

“Oh, son, have you—”

“We’ve met,” the floozy and I both said at the same time.

“Snake,” he whispered.

“Floozy,” I mumbled.

The boss didn’t seem to notice either of us. “Oh really. That’s interesting.” He didn’t ask for details.

So he knew what his son’s part in this was. Had known the whole time.

“So what happened to your wife?” I asked.

“My parents never married,” the floozy said. “My dad wanted to know what all the straights were raving about and had a one-night stand. Very Robin-Williams-The-Birdcage of him.”

“Son,” my boss reprimanded.

“Oh, it’s all right, we all have our flaws,” I said. “My ex, for instance, just isn’t monogamous. Wrecked his last relationship. The other guy got so possessive, he cut him off from his friends. Huge red flag! Glad I could help him out of that toxic relationship.”

That stopped my boss up short. Oh yeah, he definitely knew what his son had done. “Could you excuse us for a second?” he said, then they both walked off into a hallway, presumably so as not to be overheard. Like that could have helped. I followed after them and managed to hear the whole thing from the other side of the door.

“You idiot, you had one job!” My boss whisper-shouted. “I told you not to get attached!”

“I had to keep them from getting back together!”

“Oh, fat lot of good that did. He showed up on your doorstep, wedged you off his ex, and still didn’t get back with him! Your part was played, your job was done!”

“Well you did such a good job upselling him, what was I supposed to do!”

My boss heaved a seething sigh. “I told you he would be here. Why did you agree to show up? Why not blow me off like you did so many times before?”

“Because I didn’t want to lose you too! I already lost the love of my life to that snake, I’m not losing my dad too!”

“Trust me, boy, if anyone is getting lost here, it’s ‘that snake’, as you call him. I love him, and he doesn’t know it yet, but one way or another I’m gonna make sure he loves me and me alone. Is that clear?”

“Now who can’t let go?” The floozy growled. “At least I knew when to fold ‘em!” He huffed and started stomping towards the door. I got out of the way just in time, and did my best to look innocent.

“Don’t think I don’t know you were listening, snake,” the floozy said. “Just don’t kill him, okay?”

“No promises, floozy,” I shot back. “And make sure that hand stays folded, okay?”

“No promises.”

My boss came out, the picture of composure. “So sorry about that,” he said. “Whatever you do, don’t have a son.”

“But a daughter’s okay?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t know. In any case, he told me all about what happened between you two, and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I had no idea he could be so possessive.”

“I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?”

That stopped him cold. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I meant what I said. If you’re fine with sharing, I’m all yours. But if you aren’t, you get nothing.”

I walked away before I could get his reaction.

Last I’d heard, he was trapped in his own loop. He never did escape his sins.

The floozy, on the other hand, was inconsolable.

“I told you not to kill him!” he said.

“And I told you no promises,” I shot back. “Besides, he’s not really dead. He can come back anytime he wants.”

“What, like an alcoholic can quit drinking?”

“Exactly. It’s not my fault he’s addicted to his own pain!”

“Snake!”

“Floozy!”

“At least I’m properly descriptive!”

“Hah, shows what you know! I only want the best for my quarries!”

“Tell that to my father!”

“It’s his own damn fault he can’t wrestle free of his own demons! And I do not mean in the literal sense!”

This went on for several months. Night after night, dream after dream. It was exhausting! I’m honestly not sure who was the sinner and who was the demon by the end of it. And that’s never a good sign. In the end, Sterling had to intervene as a mediator.

“Listen both of you,” he said. “This isn’t helping anyone! It’s perfectly reasonable for a son to mourn his father, even if that father is a horrible person who doesn’t deserve it. Both of you, get over it!”

“Him first!” the floozy said.

“I have to get over it!” I cried. “I’m not the one who lost his father!”

“But you did lose a potential boyfriend,” Sterling said.

The floozy gasped in shock.

“Yeah, I said it,” Sterling said. “Your father was only his second attempt at a serious relationship, and it foundered before it left the harbor.”

“I’ve had other relationships!” I protested.

“Have you?” Sterling countered. “You haven’t had any since you broke up with your ex. Who you still call your ex, by the way, as if he’s the only one. Tell me, did you date in high school? College? Your ex is the only one I know of.”

“I—I’ve had you!”

“Really doesn’t feel like it,” Sterling said. “I feel like your assistant, your secretary, your maid! Not your boyfriend.”

I sat down, hard, deflated. “Ah jeez, I’m an idiot. This is why I’m still single.”

Sterling laid his hands gently over my upper shoulders. “Look, you’re a nice kid, but you definitely need to get your head out of your ass. Put him behind you, move on.”

“I should put Chinchóna in charge of recruitment,” I mused. “They’re far more versatile than either of us could ever hope to be.”

“I don’t have to be the only guy you have sex with.”

“Maybe,” I said. I scooped Sterling up and surged to my feet. “But I do need to refocus my energy, and some quality time with you is definitely a step in the right direction. Besides, Chinchóna really would be a better choice.”

The floozy, completely forgotten, reminded us of his existence. “What about me?”

“What about you?” I scoffed.

“How can I get my dad back?”

“You could always take a trip down under and try to bust him out yourself,” Sterling said. “But you might just get yourself trapped instead. Or you could do what humans have been doing for thousands of years, and just mourn his loss like any other orphan.”

“In the meantime, we’ll leave you be,” I said. “I’ve got some cuddling to catch up on.”

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